


Change your name and come seek me

by SanAnn



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Espionage, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-07
Updated: 2013-05-07
Packaged: 2017-12-10 17:43:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 37,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SanAnn/pseuds/SanAnn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, you have to die in order be with the one you love. Jared Padalecki is just your average guy next door, except for his ability to bring people back to life after successfully preventing their death. When he meets Jensen, all he wants is to live a ordinary life. Only, Jensen has a secret of his own, and soon, Jared's life becomes even more complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is vaguely based on 'Tru Calling'. Written for spn_j2_bigbang 2011

> Protocol #9858-09. Top Secret.
> 
> On July 18, 2010, eleven special folders named “J. T. Padalecki” are handed to J. Ackles. 
> 
> Chief Ray is assigned as the handler of the operation Further information is classified under a higher level, authorized personnel only.
> 
> _Any duplication or distribution of the information contained herein is strictly prohibited._

 

"Jared!”

A loud voice rings in his ears when Jared jerks his head and wakes up with a loud gasp.Jared finds himself sitting in the chair at work and not in his persistent cycling nightmare.  
  
He closes his eyes for a moment to let the dark, male figure dissolve behind his eyelids before his gaze snaps to his wrist watch to check time: 4PM.  
  
“You woke up, sleeping freak?! The ability of yours to sleep at the fucking morgue is beyond my understanding.” Jared raises his head to studiously observe a blond guy approaching him.  

“29 percent of people nap at the workplace, Chad.” Jared states while rubbing a hand over his face.  

Chad answers with a mildly annoyed expression, “Thank you for that valuable information, Wiki. Still, it’s a morgue. Gross, dude.” There’s a moment’s pause, and Jared tilts his head to look at Chad. “Anyway, did you check the crypt with our last client?”  

Jared quirks his eyebrow in question, and Chad winks, giving him a leering look.   

“I don’t even want to know, Chad.” Jared quickly stands up, throwing his hands up in protest, palms out, and starts walking out of the room in order to pass on the following information.   

“Hey, you should treat dead people with the same respect as the living, dude. She was hot, and you should appreciate her beauty,” Chad insists while following Jared out.  

Jared catches no hint of humor in Chad’s voice, and he’s not even surprised.  
  
  
  
  
  
If you asked Jared what he does in his spare time, he’d answer with “nothing”, because it’s hard to explain that he saves people’s lives on a constant basis.  

It gets routine when you get used to this.   

Dead people find Jared everywhere, starting from his workplace and up to the middle of the street. They are dead to the world, but the moment Jared comes close, they open their eyes to whisper “help me”, and Jared is taken back to the start of the day the person has died, opening his eyes in the morning with a mission to seek the person and prevent the death while he or she is still alive.   

It’s like having déjà-vu once a week.   

Luckily for Jared, it doesn’t happen often and not to all dead people he sees in his workplace, just to some of them. Jared has a theory that the reason is that they shouldn’t have died in a first place.  

When he was a kid, Jared dreamed of becoming a Superhero. Now, he can be considered as one of them.  
  
Unfortunately, when you do this for more than a year, it becomes your job.   

Full-time job.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen moves into a rented apartment, courtesy of his agency, one week after he passes the last tests for this assignment.  
  
The first thing he has to do is to check his apartment for any “special presents” (aka covert listening devices) the agency might have left for him.    
  
It’s not that Jensen doesn’t trust his agency; he just knows how it works. After all, it’s what he would do.   
  
Moving quietly with a bug detector in his hand, Jensen finishes his search with four tiny devices.  
  
He moves to sit at the kitchen table, placing the bugs in front of him.  
  
With a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips, Jensen leans down to cheerfully declare, “Hello, guys! Thanks for your concern, but I already settled in. No need to check on me. Love the apartment by the way.”  
  
The next moment, he pulls out a pair of needle-nosed pliers to destroy the bugs one by one, grinning wickedly. He wishes he could have seen the faces of the poor bastards with earphones on the other side of this lovely chat.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen sorts out his clothes first, with economic and practiced moves. When the last shirt takes its place in the wardrobe, Jensen settles comfortably in the chair in the living room, blue folder in his hands.  
  
He opens the folder, eyes scanning the information he knows by heart, and after, he takes out the photo of a young man to study it closely. Jensen’s eyes take in bright hazel eyes, dimpled smile and floppy hair.  
  
Pretty impressive. Not that Jensen loves it. Too attractive. Any chance of distraction is not welcomed by him.  
  
Still, this has the potential to become a very interesting assignment.  
  
Jensen’s eyes drill into the hazel ones as he draws out the words with a wicked smirk, “Hello, Jared. You and I are gonna become very good friends.”  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared comes home from his shift feeling like he might as well take the place of one of his clients. He considers, for a moment, the possibility of a quick shower, but the moment his gaze falls on his bed, the decision is made for him.  
  
When Jared’s head hits pillow, he’s already sleeping so hard he misses the buzzing of his phone inside his jacket’s pocket.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared wakes up with a grunt, a sound is bugging him and he just wants to kill it and go back to sleep.  
  
He rolls over on to his back, eyes tight shut, while his hand blindly reaches for his jacket he threw somewhere on the bed. Jared pulls out a phone, swearing, and he hopes that the caller has an important enough reason to wake him up.  
  
“Hello, big brother. Are you awake?” Jared recognizes the voice and grunts in answer. “I called and called–”  
  
“Megan, what time is it?” He finally finds his voice to interrupt her.  
  
“Time to talk to your sister.” Megan cheerfully informs and Jared is not wake enough to retort.  
  
Eyes closed, Jared continues grunting, “It’s my day off, and I’m planning to get my beauty sleep. Are you dying?”   
  
“Noo,” Megan answers, frown coloring her voice.  
  
“Then, it can wait until I fully wake up.” Jared concludes.  
  
“Hey, don’t hang up on me. Teenagers tend to commit suicide if they’re not paid attention to.” Megan screams, understanding of her loss making her sound slightly desperate.  
  
“Call you later,” Jared mumbles before switching the phone off, turning to sprawl on his stomach across the bed, sighing contently, and falling back to sleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared wakes up four hours later feeling fresh and hungry.  
  
He hits a shower, fills his stomach with food, moaning happily between the bites, and only after, calls his sister.  
  
“Hey, Megan.” Jared says and beams as his gaze catches a bag of chocolate chip cookies on the kitchen countertop.  
  
“Hello. Who is this?” Megan says dryly on the other side of line.  
  
Jared pulls a face, munching on the cookies, “Megan, please stop.”  
  
“Stop what, mister? Do I even know you?” Pure innocence in Megan’s voice is well played.  
  
Jared smiles, despite himself, while moving into the living room, “I had a really bad day at work, and I needed to get some sleep in order to function. Besides, I’m your only family, and you love me.”  
  
Megan sounds playfully embarrassed on his behalf, “Weak, dude. And did you forget that we also have a father?”  
  
“The man I haven’t seen for about twenty years?” Jared slumps down on the couch, bag in his lap, and turns the TV on, flipping through the channels.  
  
“Still, he’s not ass enough to not send the money, like for this college thing which we couldn’t afford.” Megan sing-songs, and Jared huffs in answer.  
  
“Yeah-yeah, he’s a real sweetheart and a life savior.”  
  
Jared hears some background murmuring, and he wonders if it’s a family thing to watch some crap show while talking on the phone, “No, you are the only life savior in this family. How many lives did you save since the last time we talked?”  
  
“And you need this information, why?” Jared rolls the possible answers in his head.  
  
“Hey, I told you to slip my number to every hot, straight guy you save. They owe you.” Yes, this was an answer #2.  
  
Jared’s voice is full of resolve. “No. And no.”  
  
“Hey, just because it failed once with your ex-boyfriend, doesn’t mean it wouldn’t work. Your ex was a loser to begin with, and I don’t know why you saved him in the first place.” Megan never liked the guy, but Jared always cringes hearing her talking about him this way.  
  
“That’s a mean thing to say, Megan Padalecki.” Jared says while deciding to settle on watching _South Park_. It’s not like Megan is here to proclaim what a perverse message it sends to the kids. And it’s not like there are any kids to pop up to bear witness to her.    
  
“I’m a mean person. Go on.” Jared can easily imagine Megan shrugging his words off.  
  
Jared thinks he should feel insulted on his ex-boyfriend’s behalf, “Hey, Zach is not a bad guy. We just didn’t work out.”  
  
“I bet he was bad at giving head, wasn’t he?” This immediately shifts Jared’s attention off the TV.  
  
“What? Shut up!” Jared gasps in indignation.  
  
“Hey, don’t be a prude; it’s me feeling for you, brother.” Megan pauses, and Jared gives her time to change the topic of conversation. “Now, c’mon, was he?”  
  
“I’m ending this call before you lose a brother.”  
  
“Just because I’m the only one getting laid in this family–,” and that’s Jared’s final cue to end this conversation.  
  
“Bye, Megan. I still love you. Don’t do drugs.”  
  
Jared hurriedly puts his cell phone away and tries to forget the talk by busying his mouth with cookies and turning the TV’s volume up, forcing himself to concentrate on Eric Cartman’s problems.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen gets a call when he burns the blue folder in the kitchen sink watching the papers turning into the ashes.  
  
The cell phone identifies the number as an unknown caller, and Jensen’s lips form a half grin, while he leans against the kitchen counter and stretches his legs before answering.  
  
“Hello, Chief Ray.” Jensen uses his cool, business-like voice, keeping his crooked smile from slipping into his tone.  
  
“Jensen, good day. Please report.” The man is one of the specialists nobody dares to mess with, and such informality as calling everyone, including the top management, by their first name is one of the things the agency lets him get away with.  
  
“Things are going according to plan, sir.” For now, this is all Jensen can provide him with. As to removing the bugs, Jensen is assured the man has already been informed, and if he did find that unacceptable, Jensen would have surely known by now.  
  
“Let’s keep it that way.”  
  
The click of dead line indicates the end of conversation.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared plans to spend his whole day off constructively – sprawled out on the couch in front of TV, not willing to leave the house in case some dead man wishes to mess with Jared’s day off.  
  
Jared orders pizza over the phone, promising to pay extra for quick delivery.  
  
The minute there’s a knock and shout of “pizza delivery” behind the door, Jared barefooted hurries to open the door – the only obstacle between him and his food – and welcomes, with a huge smile, the short guy in red uniform holding two boxes.  
  
Jared quickly pays the guy, takes the boxes, and opens the upper one to stick his head into, “Man, this is amazing.”  
  
The delivery guy smiles in answer, “Enjoy, dude. And thanks for extra.”  
  
After the guy leaves, Jared, arms full, plans to kick the door shut with his foot, when the door across the hall opens and an unknown guy walks out, holding empty boxes in his hands.  
  
“Hey,” says Jared automatically and shuts up because he needs a moment to take in the way this guy looks.  
  
Jared lets himself have a few seconds of pure admiration, wondering how his eyes can be so unbelievably green and his lips so sinfully full, noticing that on top of that, the guy is tall and well built.  
  
Jared swallows hard and tries to stop staring, commanding his brain to kick in.  
  
Balancing the boxes in one hand, Jared stretches out his spare hand offering a handshake, grinning brightly because he can’t help himself, “Hey, you must be my new neighbor. I’m Jared.”  
  
The guy puts the empty boxes down to answer with a firm handshake, lips stretched in a polite smile, “Jensen. Yeah, I just moved in.”  
  
Jared’s smile gets wider, dimples shown, and he comments brightly, “It’s a nice place. You’ll love it.” His gaze falls down on the boxes. “Hey, man, do you need a help with those?”  
  
Jensen declines his offer with a light shrug of his shoulders, “No, I’m good, thanks. Enjoy your pizza. It will get cold if you don’t start paying it attention.”  
  
He pointedly looks at the boxes in Jared’s hand, and Jared’s gaze follows his.  
  
Jared’s next words leave his mouth before he has time to consider them, “Hey, are you hungry? I’ve got two pizzas, and I don’t mind a little help with finishing them.” Jared grins at the guy.  
  
“You look like a big enough boy to eat them all,” Jensen points out – the same polite smile in place – while shifting uncomfortably and looking down as if he plans to pick up the boxes and end the conversation.  
  
Jared blindly takes a step forward, sounding sincere, “No, I’d really love you to join me.” This catches Jensen’s attention; his gaze intensely fixes on Jared as if he’s trying to read him. Jared openly meets green eyes, his breath unexpectedly hitching for a moment before he continues with a hopeful smile, “You just moved in, and you need to start making new friends. And I promise you, I’m not some serial killer or something.” Jared puts his palm over his heart and tries to look as friendly and non-threatening as possible. “Cross my heart.”  
  
Jared catches a shift in Jensen’s eyes before Jensen sobers up, giving him an unreadable stare.  
  
“Okay, but this doesn’t mean I have to provide you with the same promise, right?! I swear the axe and knifes I’m keeping in my kitchen are for Top Chef Contest,” Jensen declares sincerely, nodding, before he moves the boxes inside the apartment (actually kicking them in) and swiftly closes the door.  
  
Jared watches him with an amused and smug smile, “Don’t worry, I can take care of myself.”  
  
Jensen gives his a piercing glance before answering in a flat tone, and Jared is dumfounded, can’t distinguish if Jensen is serious or not.  
  
“And here I thought I finally found myself a damsel in distress. But no, every girl considers herself a feminist these days.” Jensen shakes his head in disappointment, and Jared exclaims “shut up”, his ears burning.  
  
Jensen looks smug, hand pointing towards Jared’s apartment. “Lead on, neighbor”.  
  
Jared looks at him for a moment, eyes gleaming with something close to admiration, before he turns away with a fond murmur of “bastard”.  
  
Jared steps inside the apartment and puts the pizzas down on the coffee table in front of the couch, glancing over his shoulder to check if Jensen followed him.  
  
Jensen is busy looking around the place with curiosity, bantering put aside, “Pretty nice. You live here alone?”  
  
“Yeah, I do. Um, I started living here right after college. It’s not big, but I like it. And they have those big windows, almost to the bottom of the floor. I don’t know if your apartment is similar to mine–,” Jared shares, eyes following whatever direction Jensen’s gaze lands.  
  
“Wait,” Jensen’s gaze snaps back to Jared, “were you as friendly with the previous owner of my apartment with this information?”  
  
 _Gotcha_. Jared scratches the back of his head, embarrassment coloring his features, “Not really. She was an old lady who loved her three cats.”  
  
“She denied your attempts at being friendly?” Jensen asks pitifully.  
  
 _And here they go again.  
_  
Jared catches friendly mocking in Jensen’s tone, and his eyes crease in amusement, taking up the challenge.  
  
“No, she was completely charmed by me, and I didn’t want to get her hopes up by hanging inside her apartment.  
  
Not that she didn’t have a chance, but her cats hated me,” Jared explains, sighing soulfully, before his stomach chooses this moment to growl.  
  
“You poor thing. Now, let’s get some food in you, Prince Charming. I will provide my shoulder to cry on later,” Jensen arches one eyebrow, moving toward the coffee table, and Jared gives him a pathetically grateful look – he _is_ starving.  
  
That makes Jensen smirk, and Jared can’t get rid of the stupid grin on his face while they take places on the couch, shoulders accidentally bumping into each other.  
  
Jared glances sideways at Jensen while opening up the boxes and offering the first slice to Jensen, murmuring, “I hope your beliefs have nothing against the mushrooms”.  
  
Jensen shrugs him off with simple “Dream on. It looks cute on you”, grabbing the slice, and Jared’s gaze fixes on his mouth for a moment before he catches himself and shifts his attention to biting into his own slice, moaning in pleasure.  
  
  
  
  
  
“Why are we watching this again?” Jensen says as he turns away from Peter Parker jumping over the buildings to frown at Jared.  
  
“We need to be fully prepared for comparing when the reboot movie comes out.” Jared says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, shrugging.  
  
“Of course,” Jensen comments dryly, and Jared beams when Jensen turns his gaze back to screen, seeming to give Peter Parker a second chance.  
  
“Still,” Jensen let the words hang in the air, facing Jared, and Jared gives Jensen his unhappy face predicting his unpleasant follow-up, “how will this knowledge help me if I’m not planning to watch the reboot movie?”  
  
“Blasphemy,” Jared gasps, tugging at Jensen’s sleeve, “Take your words back!”  
Jensen grins at him and pointedly keeps silent.  
  
“You and me are gonna be at the front of the line at the movie’s premiere.” Jared points a threatening finger at him. “End of discussion.”  
  
“I demand a huge bucket of popcorn, nachos and cola,” Jensen ticks off points on his fingers.  
  
“Deal,” Jared answers promptly, smiling in victory.  
  
They shake hands firmly, satisfied and content.  
  
  
  
  
  
The next five minutes they spend in silence watching Peter Parker saving the world.  
  
Some thought is bugging Jared and the minute Mary Jane is on the screen with no sign of Spiderman around, Jared lets the thought run further in his head.  
  
Realization makes him gasp in shock.  
  
“You tricked me into buying as you were planning to go all along,” Jared states the fact, looking wounded.  
Jensen’s face takes an unpleasant expression. He fidgets on the couch and takes a minute of consideration.  
  
“Every guy has been into super heroes since kindergarten,” he gives his version of excuse which implies Jared is the one to blame for not realizing such elementary things.  
  
Jared’s face still looks sad and disappointed.  
  
“The tickets are on me?” Jensen offers helplessly.  
  
Jared smiles in agreement, and the next moment, it just hits him.  
  
 _How good they are together.  
  
  
  
  
_  
Jensen leaves Jared’s apartment two hours later with a smile on his face that he wipes off the minute he closes the door behind himself.  
  
Jensen dials a number and counts to five before the voice on the other end picks up. As usual.  
  
“Spit it out,” the husky voice with a southern accent says in greeting.  
  
“You’re so predictable, Christian,” Jensen drawls instead of answering. “Always have to re-check caller ID to make sure it’s not fake.”  
  
“It has saved my ass more times than I can count, boy. Now, how is your asset doing?” Jensen hears the _click_ sound indicating Christian typing on the keyboard and probably trying to hack someone’s security system.  
  
“Smooth as expected. Boy is pretty easy.” Jensen shares the information as Christian is the only person close enough to Jensen for being labeled as a semi-trusted.  
  
“Hmm. Easy?” Christian treats Jensen’s last word with a suspicion. ”Easy on the eye as well? I saw his picture.”  
  
Jensen quirks his eyebrow as he opens the fridge, eyes scanning for beer, “I’m not even gonna comment on you breaking into the secret files, man. But since when do I mix business with pleasure?”  
  
Christian sighs as if the answer should be obvious, and Jensen gets ready for Christian’s ‘get-this-out-in-the-open’ speech, “Answering your first question, all I needed was a name and that wasn’t hard to get in order to look him up. Welcome to the modern world! Everyone is pimping themselves on the social networks which is familiar to you as you are the one always bitching about the primitiveness of privacy settings. As to the second part, just be careful. It’s not your usual assignment. You and this guy are in the same boat after all.”  
  
Jensen pops the cap off a beer with his ring and takes a swig from the bottle before answering, “Thanks for your concern, mommy. I’m glad we shared our feelings. Now, back to business. I need a favor.” Christian’s “of course” is loud enough for Jensen to hear. “Being the techno geek that you are, I’m sure you can come up with a nice bug for me to plant inside Jared’s apartment.”  
  
After a brief moment of silence, Christian’s fingers are back to typing on the keyboard, “Why didn’t you ask the agency for it?  
  
Jensen considers his options before going for the truth, “Chief Ray was pretty clear on keeping Padalecki’s apartment clear.”  
  
Christian’s smirk is evident in his voice, “Still, here you are asking me to do exactly the opposite.”  
  
“With my ass on the line, I prefer to stick to my opinion on the subject, not the execs’,” Jensen explains, trying to keep the exasperating notes out of his voice, his fingers worrying the beer label.  
  
“I hear you.” Christian sounds as composed and efficient as any other agent before his next words give away someone close to Jensen, “I’ll come up with something pretty for a pretty boy like you.”  
  
“Ass,” comes Jensen’s prompt reply, “No wonder the agency locked you alone in that basement of yours you call your office.”  
  
“Jealousy doesn’t look good on you, Ackles.” Christian chuckles. “Gotta go. Will check with you soon. End of session. Bye.”  
  
“Bye,” says Jensen, but the line is already dead.  
  
 _Typical_ , thinks Jensen, throat working as he swallows the last of his beer.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared’s alarm clock wakes him up at 8:00 AM.  
  
Jared cracks one eye open as his hand fumbles to press the stop button and commands himself to get up.  
  
The next time Jared opens his eyes, the clock indicates 8:49 AM, and Jared’s mind and body are suddenly alert and sober.  
  
“Shit, shit, shit,” Jared hisses as he stumbles out of bed, searching for his pants.  
  
Seven minutes after, Jared revs the car’s engine, early autumn heat of Boston turning the car into the hell on a wheel, as Jared waits for the AC to kick on.  
  
Passing one block and getting stuck in traffic, T-shirt sticking to his body, Jared contemplates the appealing idea of hitting his head against the steering wheel while a musty damp smell fills the car. Jared doesn’t need to check to understand that AC is broken.  
  
It’s one of _those_ days.  
  
  
  
  
  
The cool temperature of the morgue is a blessing, and Jared sighs happily, stepping inside.  
  
Chad welcomes him with a hard glare and poking into his chest, “You’re late.”  
  
“Hey,” Jared exclaims and ducks out, rubbing his chest, “did anyone tell you that you have boney fingers?”  
  
Chad gives him a suspicious look, “Were you partying last night and I wasn’t invited? At least two of us looking worse than our clients wouldn’t be considered offensive to them.”  
  
“How is that offensive?” Jared asks reflexively before his brain kicks in to inform his that he doesn’t want to know.  
  
“Well, they look better than you, and still, they are the ones who are dead,” Chad explains, the _duh_ coloring his tone.  
  
Jared looks at Chad for a long moment, baffled, offering Chad time to give him another reason, which Chad ignores, looking at Jared with the same expression.  
  
Jared shakes his head and starts walking down the hall towards the coffee machine, Chad tagging alone.  
  
Jared places the cup and presses the espresso button, waiting for the machine to brew him a perfect coffee, while Chad looks at him expectantly.  
  
“I was late, and I had no time for showering or breakfast for that matter. End of story,” Jared deadpans.  
  
“You had a day off,” Chad insists. “C’mon, spill the beans, dude! I always tell you all the dirty secrets of my off days.”  
  
“Remember me asking you not to?” Jared points out, not looking Chad’s way as his hand carefully reaches for the cup and brings it against his lips.  
  
The smell and taste of coffee brings a smile to Jared’s lips.  
  
“I’m not holding it against you, dude.” Chad offers genially. “Now, tell me, were there strippers involved?”  
  
“It was just me and my new neighbor, okay?” Jared sighs and concentrates on sipping the coffee, eyes closed, but green eyes and bright smile is the image he sees behind his close eyelids.  
  
“Judging by your blissful smile and you playing for another team, I bet twenty bucks that it was some hot guy,” Chad nods, leering.  
  
“Shuddup,” Jared groans. “I need a sandwich _and_ a new co-worker.”  
  
“So, he was hot then.” Chad concludes as if he wasn’t interrupted, smirking up at him. “Don’t worry, you’re allowed to gross me out with every detail of your yesterday exercises.”  
  
Chad makes air quotes, and Jared snaps his gaze away, pretending he didn’t hear a thing. It’s his way to nirvana.  
  
“Did they bring a new client?” Jared asks, tipping his cup and finishing the rest of his coffee.  
  
Jared puts the empty cup aside and starts walking towards the crypt where they keep the bodies.  
  
“Yep,” Chad miraculously follows Jared’s changed topic. “Something new and shiny for your inner Sherlock to investigate.”  
  
“I’m a forensics attendant, Chad, not a private detective,” Jared clarifies while he moves inside the crypt.  
  
“He is a crime solver!” Chad exclaims, sounding offended.  
  
Jared glances back to find Chad leaning back against the doorpost, arms crossed, chin raised defiantly.  
  
“The name, Chad?  
  
“Holmes. Sherlock Holmes.” Chad declares solemnly.  
  
Jared looks puzzled for a brief moment, glancing towards the vaults and back before understanding kicks in, “The victim’s, Chad.”  
  
Chad’s facial expression turns from perplexity into slight embarrassment in a matter of seconds, “Oh. Her name is Julie Tate. Fifteen years old. Broke her neck by falling down the stairs at approximately 9PM last night.”  
  
Jared’s face falls, and he steps towards the Julie’s vault, “Accident?”  
  
“Her step-dad helped,” Chad’s voice is almost dripping with venom.  
  
Jared huffs in disgust, and then, he hears something.  
  
“Help,” female voice calls, quiet enough only for Jared hear. “Help”.  
  
Jared’s face turns concentrated and detached as he opens Julie’s vault, pulling out the body.  
  
Young blonde girl opens up her blue eyes, turning her head to look at Jared and whispers urgently, “Help me!”  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared’s cell phone is buzzing and he grunts, waking up, the understanding of being back to a rewritten day catching up with him as his hand fishes for a cell phone in his jacket.  
  
Jared remembers how this conversation begins and he lets his eyes stay closed for a few more seconds, with Megan’s voice cheerfully informing in his ear, “Hello, big brother. Are you awake? I called and called. You could at least pick up for a change.”  
  
That was Jared’s few seconds.  
  
He snaps his eyes open and rolls out of bed, the face of Julie Tate is the only thing he is concentrated on.  
  
“Megan, I’m sorry, but I gotta go. I promise I’d call you later. Love you, sis. Bye.” Jared slips remorse and sincerity into his tone, before he ends the call and lets the outside world step away, his mind fixing on only one task as this is how it usually works.  
  
Jared quickly takes a shower, shovels down some breakfast, and flops down on the couch before opening his laptop.  
  
Modern technologies are your best friend and worst enemy. In order to get more friends, people forget about safety and open up themselves for anything life might throw their way.  
  
Jared’s fingers are clattering over the keys, moving surely and fast over the keyboard, while his eyes check the pages. Facebook gives away four Julie Tate’s living in Boston.  
  
Jared checks their profile pictures and the second time is a charm.  
  
Julie’s wall is open for everyone, the last update was made fifteen minutes earlier, “Bored out of my mind. Professor D. is dull, draggy and a dimwit.”  
  
Jared chuckles softly. The girl is a smartass, he will give her that.  
  
Julie’s high school is the next information he needs. Jared writes the information on the napkin – the first thing his fingers come across on the table in front of him, and then, he closes his laptop.  
  
Jared on mission is a guy who doesn’t take chances on anything, preferring to keep information stored into his brain and on paper as back up.  
  
A black suit with the white shirt and black tie is Jared’s choice for today. He rummages through the bedroom drawer before picking the corresponded fake ID.  
  
One year in the field teaches you some tricks.  
  
Jared snatches his keys from the hall table on his way out, the sound of jingling keys is followed by the door slamming shut. Jared stomps down the stairs and into the September air.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared walks to Julie’s high school, the place is not far away, and Jared is not in the mood to deal with the traffic and broken air conditioner right now.  
  
He takes a place at a café across the street, checking Julie’s Facebook page for updates on his cell phone.  
  
An hour after, Julie’s new post “freedom for all”, makes him finish his coffee and toss twenty on a table before leaving.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared presses the doorbell button of Julie’s apartment ten minutes after she disappeared inside it.  
  
Julie opens the door, cell phone smashed against her ear, “Sorry, will talk to you later. Some hot guy was delivered to my doorstep.”  
  
“Yeees,” she drawls, giving him something she considers for a leering look.  
  
“Social services.” He says, flashing his fake badge, and her face expression changes to troubled, “Julie Tate?”  
  
She nods, biting her lip.  
  
“We’ve been notified that you are having some problem with your stepfather.” Jared uses sincere tone, adding sympathy to the voice.  
  
Julie’s face turns cold, words coming threatening, as much as it possible for a teenager, “You stay away from my dad. Who told you that? That dickhead who lives opposite us?” She raises her voice, stepping out to scream towards the neighbor door.  
  
The next moment she lets out a shaky breath and continues with animosity, “My dad takes good care of me. He’s the only one left. Yes, we do fight. So what? Every family does.”  
  
She sounds defensive and protective, no hint of fear giving her away as a victim of abuse.  
  
“Okay, Julie,” Jared says amicably, spelling out her name to calm her, stepping back. “Thank you for cooperation and help. Sorry for bothering you.”  
  
It gives her strength and courage, “Tell the other fuckers from the services not to come near my father or me.”  
  
She shuts the door in his face, and Jared chuckles, impressed.  
  
There’s another way to keep her from getting into trouble – keeping an eye on her. He plans to wait outside and come back before the clock strikes nine o’clock.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared watches people passing him and entering the apartment complex, and he wonders which one of them is Julie’s stepdad.  
  
At 8:45 PM, Jared runs up the stairs, heart in his throat, listening to the screams from upstairs.  
  
“You are not going anywhere! Do you hear me?” Male voice demands.  
  
“I’m not five, okay?” Julie screams in answer.  
  
“That boy is not good for you, Julie.” The man insists.  
  
“It’s up to me to decide.”  
  
Jared raises his head to witness Julie and a person who is obviously her stepfather engaged in a fight, standing on top of the stairs.  
  
Jared is only one landing away from them.  
  
Jared reaches Julie the moment her stepfather tries to stop her, catching her by the wrist. Julie jerks her hand out of his grasp and the next moment, she loses her balance and stumbles, falling down.  
  
Jared has no time to think, he throws his body forward in attempt to catch her before she hits the stairs.  
  
  
  
  
  
Half of an hour later, Jared bides his time to slip away before Julie’s stepdad welcomes him as a family member for saving his daughter.  
  
“C’mon, dad. Don’t dramatize it. ” Julie rolls her eyes, “What’s the worst thing that could have happen? Me spraining my ankle?”  
  
She turns to give Jared a smirk, “At least, now, I can say that Social Services is good for something.”  
  
Jared gives her a polite smile and says nothing.  
  
Every time he saves someone’s life, he feels worn out for hours as if every saved life sucks out a part of his own.  
  
   
  
  
  
When Jared gets home, mind blank, climbing up the stairs, taking two steps at one time to get his body into the apartment before the exhaustion hits him, he crashes into Jensen.  
  
Jensen is carrying two boxes in front of him, one above another, in an obvious attempt of moving them inside the apartment and wasn’t able to notice the danger named _Jared_ that comes from his right side.  
  
“Shit,” Jared hisses, he freezes on the spot before he trips the boxes over, hands flying to steady the wobbling boxes and holding onto them for dear life.  
  
“Nice welcoming gesture, buddy,” Jensen bites out, and Jared turns his neck to the left, facing Jensen’s hostile gaze.  
  
“Sorry, Je–,” Jared mumbles apologetically and bites his tongue before he remembers that they actually haven’t met yet.  
  
The universe couldn’t pick another day for re-writing?  
  
Jensen adds suspicion to his gaze which Jared meets with a genuine smile, letting Jensen’s eyes drill into his.  
  
“Is there any chance that I don’t share the same floor with you?” Jensen sounds hopeful while he tries to shift the boxes in order to force Jared loosen his grip on them.  
  
Jensen is not smooth, and Jared is determined to use all his chances and get back to the friendly interaction Jared achieved with Jensen in the first version of the day, so, he tightens his grip on the boxes.  
  
“Sorry, man.” Jared doesn’t sound sorry at all, beaming at Jensen. “I’m Jared. My apartment is opposite yours.”  
  
“Oh, joy,” Jensen says dryly and Jared tries not to wince.  
  
This is not how Jared wants them to start their friendship; Jared wants them back to being something _good_.  
  
They had it, and he wants it back.  
  
“Let me help you with those,” Jared offers and snatches away both boxes, not waiting for an answer and moving inside the apartment and not glancing back at Jensen.  
  
“Hey!” Jensen yells at his back.  
  
“Where to put them?” Jared says, marching into the living room space.  
  
“Right where you stand.” Jensen rushes to confirm behind him, not hiding his desire to keep Jared from going any further into his apartment.  
  
Well, shit. Jared is not willing to budge on this subject.  
  
“It says _kitchen_ ,” Jared says, bringing the box to his eye level, scrutinizing the writing, and after, he glances over his shoulder to show Jensen the box as proof, before intruding towards the kitchen and ignoring Jensen’s loud annoyed huff.  
  
When Jared takes his first step into the kitchen, a drop of water lands on his forehead. Jared scrunches his face, looking above, and promptly stepping aside to let the next drop miss him.  
  
“Argh,” Jared draws awkwardly, twisting his neck to look at bewildered Jensen.  
  
“It’s raining in your kitchen?” He says somewhat hesitantly, predicting the unpleased reaction it will revoke.  
  
Jensen’s lips start forming _what_ when he follows Jared and steps right into the puddle of water on the floor, “Holy shit!”  
  
Jared winces, watching the bottom edges of Jensen’s jeans getting wet and looks up to observe the big wet stain on the ceiling and water dripping down the walls.  
  
Jared _hmms_ and tries to cheer up Jensen’s mood, “Well, at least I’m not the one responsible for this flooding.”  
  
Jensen shots him a dark look, and Jared smiles at him sweetly, “C’mon, man! It’s not that bad. I promise to be your wingman on you dates to your upstairs neighbor and our landlord.”  
  
“Is there a reason someone didn’t strangle you in your sleep?” Jensen asks with unfeigned interest.  
  
Jared sighs dramatically, putting his free hand against his chest, “No one ever had a chance to come that close to me. I was waiting only for you.” Jared intends to add “sweetheart”, but he’s not that suicidal.  
  
Jensen’s lips tighten into a thin line and Jared tries to sober up, but Jensen is still the guy that laughed at Jared’s jokes, eye soft and crinkling at the corners.  
  
And Jared can’t seem to switch into the mood of first time seeing Jensen when he was just a hot guy and Jared had no idea how his face lights up or his voice sounds when he talks about something he likes.  
  
Jared pokes Jensen in the shoulder because tugging at his sleeve in affection seems like a wrong idea, “Now, c’mon, you need me. It’s okay; you don’t have to admit it now. I am willing to give you time.”  
Jensen glares at Jared, rubbing his shoulder.  
  
“Dude, I’m that close to hiring assassin to get rid of you.” Jensen says, holding out his thumb and forefinger dangerously close to each other. There’s less heat in his voice, and Jared can’t stop himself from giving Jensen a fond smile.  
  
Jared puts the box aside on the counter where it is dry and turns to face Jensen, “It’s all part of my charm. Just wait and see. Now, let’s go and check on those dates I promised you.”  
  
Jensen eyes him doubtfully before silently exiting the kitchen and Jared follows, biting the inside of his mouth to hide a soft smile.


	2. Chapter 2

Two hours later, Jared desperately wants to offer comforting hugs to the landlord and one unfortunate guy who happened to be Jensen’s upstairs neighbor that fell asleep forgetting to turn off the water at the kitchen sink.   
  
_Who does that? How can you forget such things?_ Jensen demands, and Jared only silently agrees with him as the poor neighbor is one step away from bursting into tears.   
  
Jared can’t get rid of the feeling that he was the one to rile Jensen up in the first place, but he prefers to keep his mouth shut.   
  
The thing is that Jensen doesn’t even have to scream to make people squirm; he just speaks in an emotionless-clipped tone that delivers his opinion of what kind of morons they are.   
  
Jared can’t help but feel responsible for Jensen.   
  
In the end, he bribes Jensen with the promise of helping him clean the apartment and come back tomorrow, since it will be Saturday, to deal with the landlord regarding the repairing of the apartment.   
  
When Jared leans down to deliver his promise only for Jensen to hear, he puts his hand on the small of Jensen’s back.   
  
And it shouldn’t mean a thing, but Jensen lets out a heavy sigh and allows Jared drag him downstairs, Jared’s hand sliding off him. Jared blinks for a moment; unexpected feeling of loss kicking him in the gut, his chest tightening like he’s missing something.   
  
Two pairs of eyes escort Jared with gratefulness, but Jared is wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice.   
  
  
  
  
  
Later, when they clean the mess in the kitchen as best as they can manage and unpack a third of the boxes (Jared insists on unpacking DVD’s _to watch later as their reward_ ), dropping their bodies on the couch, Jensen forces his legs to travel to the fridge and back.   
  
He hands Jared a bottle of beer when he returns, flopping down next to him, and pops open his own beer bottle.  
  
They click their bottles together in mutual agreement and take long swigs of their beers.   
  
Jared feels Jensen’s gaze on him and tilts his head to look at Jensen. There’s nothing unusual about the way Jensen looks at him, green eyes and easy smile, but there’s something alarming about it, and Jared can’t decide if it has to do with the unexpected warmth that fills him or the disturbing intensity of Jensen’s stare like he’s trying to figure Jared out.   
  
Jared’s mouth runs off without consulting with his brain first.   
  
“I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” Jared quotes, and the next moment, he wonders, _where the hell did that come from?_   
  
Jensen raises his eyebrow and levels him with a steady look.   
  
“Casablanca?” Jared supplies.   
  
“I know the movie, man.” Jared can practically feel Jensen restraining himself from rolling his eyes, giving Jared a dubious look. “I just don’t think the reference is relevant.”   
  
“Oh,” says Jared, realization forcing him to hide his eyes in his lap and trying to sink deeper into the couch. “I mean– sure, I didn’t–”   
  
“Jared,” Jensen says his name insistently, and Jared has no choice but to look at him. “I was joking.”   
  
Jensen adds a small reassuring smile to his words and Jared smiles in answer before he has time to think.   
  
“Don’t be that trustworthy.” Jensen says, and he somehow manages to sound detached and insisting at the same time.   
  
Jensen keeps looking at him as if expecting Jared to change his mind on the human race in general or on Jensen.  
  
 But Jared can’t give him that, especially not when it comes to Jensen.   
  
Jared has one more day in his pocket that Jensen is not aware of.   
  
Jared nudges Jensen’s shoulder with his own, careful of the beer bottles in their hands, “I’ll make sure you stick by my side to protect me from mean people.”   
  
Jensen looks at Jared for a moment before turning away, face unreadable.   
  
A shadow of uncertainty flickers across Jared’s face. He doesn’t know if he should act differently around Jensen in regards of losing the one day with him. Jared doesn’t think he can.   
  
The next moment, Jared lets the feeling go and pokes Jensen in the shoulder lightly. “C’mon, be a good host and start entertaining me already. Be here for my entertainment. Do as Adam says.”   
  
“Adam? Adam who?” Jensen turns his frowned gaze at Jared.   
  
“Adam Lambert. Man, we need to work on your pop-culture references,” Jared shakes his head.   
  
Jensen folds his arms, giving Jared a stern look. “How old are you exactly? Should I expect you to quote Justin Bieber next time?”   
  
Jared gives him an incredulous look, tightening his lips as his grin tries to break onto the surface, “Justin Bieber, huh? And you don’t know who Adam Lambert is. Okay. Cool.” Jared pointedly looks around the apartment. “So, tell me which one of these boxes hides Bieber’s CDs.”   
  
Jensen meaningfully unfolds his arms to give Jared a very expressive middle finger, “One day, Jared. One day, you’ll fall asleep and will wake up bald, and I will be standing with the scissors in my hand.”   
  
Jared lets out a very girly squeal, arms flying to his hair, “My perfect locks? I knew you envied my hair.”   
  
“Shut up or there’ll be no more beer and movie for your childish ass to watch,” Jensen threatens.   
  
Jared motions to lock his lips and throw the invisible key away.   
  
“That’s better.” Jensen scolds and bends down to reach for the stash of DVD’s.   
  
Jensen’s shirt rides up, and Jared’s gaze falls on the patch of exposed freckled skin.   
  
Jared’s stomach tightens up, and he forces himself to look away.   
  
“Okay, _Star Wars_ or _Lord of the Rings_?” Jensen’s voice is muffled, head bent down and Jared’s brain can’t function properly, forcing himself to not look, turning away from the teasing pale skin.   
  
“ _Lord of the Rings_.” Jared almost groans. For God’s sake, just get up already.   
  
“Okay.” Jensen moves to put the disc in DVD player, and Jared swallows, letting out a sigh of relief.   
  
Jensen flops back on the couch and asks matter-of-factly, tilting his head towards Jared, “Do I need to hold your hand during the scary moments?”   
  
“Asshole,” comes Jared’s elegant answer.   
  
Jensen smiles way too sweetly, “You woo me with your classiness.”   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared feels as something soft touches his skin.   
  
He opens his eyes, blinking, and he notices green eyes of Jensen and blue blanket he covers Jared with.   
  
“Hey, go back to sleep,” Jensen says quietly, and Jared happily obliges, closing his eyes, mumbling, “okay”.   
  
Jared intends to add “thank you”, but he passes out.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen never had family or friends, never knew how to make any, never needed one precisely.   
  
His job is his life. His priority is to surround himself with people who can be useful; otherwise, he doesn’t see any point in starting a new connection.   
  
From Jensen’s perspective, Jared is a job. Jensen should get close to him, and this is exactly what Jensen is doing.   
  
He might be navigating blind around Jared, as he never put himself that close to someone, and he didn’t expect his personal space to be invaded that quickly. But Jensen has theoretical knowledge of relationships and theory always guides practice, not the other way around.   
  
Jensen can roll with that.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared wakes up to the sun blinding him. He groans and turns onto his other side, wondering when his bed got so narrow.   
  
The next moment, he jolts upright on the couch, sitting up, blanket sliding down, and he finds himself in Jensen’s apartment, blinking away his sleep.   
  
There’s the rustling sound coming from the kitchen, and Jared frees himself from the blanket, standing up and sleepily padding towards the sound, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared leans against the doorframe, blinking at Jensen in jeans and white T-shirt hovering over the coffee machine, wondering how he can look so fresh and _perfect_.   
  
Jared doesn’t mind watching Jensen for a few moments as his mind starts slowly waking up, letting the giddiness from seeing Jensen spread over his body.   
  
Unfortunately, Jensen is a very bad person.   
  
“Morning. How long should I pretend that you stomping into the room didn’t alert me of your presence?” Jensen turns to face him, holding a cup of coffee in his hand.   
  
“You are a bad person,” Jared informs him miserably. He is not awake enough to come with something adequate.   
  
“Drink this,” Jensen says absentmindedly, shoving coffee into Jared’s hands. “I’ll make some toast.”   
  
Jared blinks down at the cup in his hands, “Okay. I can do that.” He inhales the coffee and lets off a satisfied sigh, before taking a large gulp.   
  
“Peanut butter or cream cheese?” Jensen asks without turning back, rummaging in the fridge.   
  
“Peanut butter,” Jared confirms happily, taking another sip of coffee, and feeling much better. He steps closer to Jensen, nudging him with a shoulder, and starts watching the process of toast making.   
  
Jensen stops and glances up at Jared sternly, a bread knife in his hand, “Go and take a seat at the table.”   
  
“Why? I can help!” Jared whines, wounded, his hand with a cup flying, which ends with coffee spilling on the floor.   
Jensen looks at the floor in accusing silence before shifting his meaningful gaze at Jared. “Come again?”   
  
Jared narrows his eyes and lets out a heavy sigh to purposely point out what he thinks on the subject, before starting to clear the mess with the paper towels Jensen provides him.   
  
After, Jared complies, obediently taking a seat.   
  
When Jensen hands Jared a plate with toast, Jared’s mood lifts up. He eyes the toast, asking Jensen in exuberant voice, “How come you are so generous?”   
  
“My purpose is strictly self-serving,” Jensen notifies in a flat tone, placing another plate with toast on the table, “I need to feed you in order to put you in a fight against my neighbor and landlord. Remember?”   
  
“You are such a mean person. I am precisely an exploited party in this relationship,” Jared informs him, happily munching on the toast.   
  
  
  
  
  
When three hours later they leave one happy landlord and one blissful neighbor behind, despite Jensen getting everything he was demanding, Jensen keeps sneaking suspicious glances at Jared.   
  
They move inside Jared’s apartment without saying a word as if it was discussed on a mute level.   
  
“I need to get some sleep,” Jared groans, falling face down on the couch, legs dangling off it.   
  
“So,” Jensen says, and Jared tilts his head to look at him, eyes heavy, “I think the only thing that stopped them from proposing to you is your bad taste in friends.”   
  
Jared scratches his nose and grins at him, “Let me translate this into ‘ _Jared, you are such a good and sweet guy. Every person you meet falls in love with you. Thank you for becoming my friend and helping me even though I am the Grinch._ ’” He finishes dramatically.   
  
Jensen comes to sit on the couch and offhandedly throws Jared’s legs off it, “I think I forgot to tell you _today_ how much I hate you, sugarpie. Don’t let it get lost on you.”   
  
Jared launches upright and throws himself at Jensen, long arms enveloping Jensen’s waist, and wails, “You say the sweetest things, my love.”   
  
“Get off me,” Jensen protests, unsuccessfully trying to brush Jared off him. “You are impossible. You and those long limbs you have.”   
  
“There, there.” Jared clumsily pats Jensen’s shoulder in comfort and uses his thigh as a pillow, shifting to get comfortable on the couch, “Now hush. I want to sleep, or I’ll force you into singing me lullabies.”   
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen calls Christian the minute he slips inside his apartment.   
  
“I waited five unnecessary seconds. Now, let’s talk.” Jensen starts conversation, not bothering for faking politeness.   
  
Christian’s voice gets mocking, “Are you reflecting a grumpy dwarf today, or am I imagining things, Ackles?”   
  
“You’re imagining things,” Jensen helpfully supplies, no sign of humor in his voice as he pushes the button of coffee machine. “Now, when will I get my sweet beautiful bug as I was so reassuringly promised?”   
  
“Tomorrow. You will get it tomorrow.” Christian confirms and pauses as if waiting for Jensen to respond. “ _Thank you_ is the answer you are looking for, Ackles.”   
  
“No shit.” Jensen mutters and adds grudgingly, “Thank you.” He glares at the coffee machine as if ordering it to brew coffee faster.   
  
“Wow. I am overwhelmed.” Chris comments dryly, but lets it slide; keyboard’s clicking sound overheard in the background. “How is the asset doing?”   
  
Jensen shrugs it off with indifference, “You way too invested in my life, Kane.”   
  
“Does it mean there’s something you’re not telling me?”   
  
“He’ll get his present in time if that’s what you’re worrying about.” Jensen says absentmindedly, sipping his coffee.  
  
The clicking sound stops, and Chris sounds slightly interested when he asks, “And you’re okay with that?”   
  
“Why shouldn’t I be?” Jensen replies, genuinely puzzled.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared and Jensen fall pretty quickly into a routine without acknowledging the fact.   
  
They each have their own apartment, but every day it’s either Jared banging on Jensen’s door, shouting something like, “delivery guy dropped by. Indian people, your American friends came bearing gifts,” or Jensen swinging open Jared’s door with, “I hate your stupid face, but the beer isn’t gonna drink itself.”   
  
Jensen is currently working at home and hunting for a steady job as a programmer, and although Jared doesn’t know a thing about programming, he highlights programmer vacancies in local newspapers with a red marker, before handing them to Jensen.   
  
Jared likes when both of them have quiet evenings, elbowing each other until they settle on the couch, usually sharing more personal space than Jared is comfortable with other people, but they somehow just fit and fall into the right slots and places, and if some part of one is tangled with another’s, there’s nothing to worry about.   
  
Jensen is not the world’s most decent person. Sometimes, he’s not decent at all. He likes to comment on people’s stupidity, sometimes in front of the same people.   
  
He doesn’t find it insulting; he’s being honest as he begrudgingly admits.   
  
But the two of them find a way around it as well. Jared coughs every time Jensen says something rude to someone, and Jensen quickly offers “sorry” without a hint of remorse on his face or in his voice, but people should not expect more of him. He’s trying, and that’s what counts in Jared’s book.   
  
Besides, he is some kind of genius. Jared like to watch _Who Wants to Be a Millionaire_ on TV just to hear Jensen give the correct answers to all the questions, even though Jensen finds the questions poor and inept and the topic of the host is forever prohibited as Jared never wants Jensen to list out each one of 98 reasons why the host is a condescending, brainless moron. Ever again.   
  
Also, Jensen thinks he’s always right. Most of time he is, so Jared lets it pass.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared remembers handing Jensen his apartment key six weeks after their first meet-up, and Jared doesn’t even remember the reason of it, just that Jensen has asked. It was a valid reason.   
  
The next day, he finds an unknown key wrapped in a pink ribbon tied on the bow on the hall table with a card next to it, “open the door with me, Alice.”   
  
Jared laughs and crosses the hallway to open Jensen’s door, pink ribbon hanging off the key, and he catches Jensen trying to tuck away a blue bow into the drawer.   
  
Jensen doesn’t look even mildly embarrassed, using his green eyes and huge grin against Jared, “I think pink suits you better.”   
  
“You _are_ the Cheshire cat in this scenario, and I’m not even surprised,” Jared shakes his head lightly, chuckling.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen doesn’t like to give many thoughts to feelings. But he likes them.   
  
He likes to observe them, inspect them, study how people stuffed with feelings like Christmas turkey can be poked and analyzed for the purpose of doubting their feelings until they burst.   
  
Jensen learns from feelings. He knows them; they help him to get to know people better.   
  
He knows what arched eyebrows or a flirtatious smirk mean and what to tell a person with hands curled into fists to push him further or make him back away.   
  
In the case of Jared, he is a basket full of colorful feelings, different ones, sometimes two or three combined simultaneously and each one is crystal clear for understanding. Jared is transparent.   
  
But if Jensen had to describe Jared in one word, he’d go with _real_. This is what makes him the only person to stand out in a gray crowd.   
  
What Jensen is charmed with the most is investigating Jared’s feelings, examining how every word Jensen says affects Jared is some way; it is alluring.   
  
Whenever it starts – with a frown when Jensen speaks his opinion on the world and its values or with worry when Jensen tells people the truth they’re too weak to admit themselves, or even with ducking his head when Jensen says something nice to Jared, it always ends one way – with Jared’s bright and soft smile.   
  
Jensen keeps holding onto that constant and worries if this is not a permanent foothold.   
  
He knows his job might be taken the wrong way by Jared, and it gives him displeased wrinkles around the corner of his mouth when he thinks about that.   
  
It’s not Jared’s fault that he thinks the other way. He is not aware how the world works. He doesn’t know human’s real nature.   
  
Jensen is here to make sure nothing goes wrong.   
  
Even if Jared has to be protected from himself.   
  
Sometimes, Jensen likes to watch other people affecting Jared to submit more information and fill the holes in Jared’s data, but after capturing the first reactions, it gets boring. They don’t seem to affect Jared as deeply as Jensen does.   
  
Decisively, they don’t deserve Jared’s attention much and can be shrugged away by Jensen as they don’t value little details Jared subconsciously uses to color his interactions with them, like scratching his wrist when he gets uncomfortable or rubbing the back of his neck when he is confused.   
  
However, there’s one thing about Jared that makes Jensen worry, that Jensen isn’t comfortable with.   
  
Every person Jensen comes across is included on the table he has in his mind. The collected data on every person can be filtered through two factors: job category or other category. Other category applies to people Jensen has to interact with besides his work.   
  
And Jared messes with Jensen’s table. He is worrisome, not adequate.   
  
Jared falls under two categories at once with an exceptional additional category Jensen had to create: _Jared_ category. Because Jared takes so much space in Jensen’s life that Jensen doesn’t know how to label him.   
  
This _Jared_ category bothers Jensen. It’s not unpleasant; it’s a statement of fact after all. It’s just worrisome.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared’s days off start with Jensen’s sleepy smile and tousled hair while Jared is already busying in Jensen’s kitchen, brewing him three consecutive cups of coffee. It changes into Jensen beating him in Mario, eyes crinkling and Jared calling him a “cheating cheater who cheats”, after, dissolving into Jensen ordering in or cooking them something delicious that also smells fantastic to remind their stomachs that there is food besides pizza.   
  
Jared likes to pin post-it notes onto their fridges as sometimes he forgets things Jensen asks him to do.   
  
Jensen eyes the first post-it note suspiciously but ends up being the one adding 80% of notes to Jared’s fridge collections as, in point of fact – and Jensen generously delivers this information to Jared – Jared has a tendency to forget most of the things people inform him about. Jared insists this is genetic and is another reason for Jensen to cherish him as someone unique and outstanding.   
  
Occasionally, the only post-it note that is patiently waiting for Jared is “ _I’m your last post-it note. Look at me. Memorize me. Buy me_.”   
  
Sometimes, Jared falls asleep in the middle of a Scrubs marathon which has started because Jensen lost a bet, and it’s without doubt, Jensen’s duty to take pictures of Jared drooling on Jensen’s shoulder to blackmail him into buying a six-pack of beer. Jared threatens to feed Jensen a taste of his own poison, camera waiting for its chance, and Jensen smirks at him, “bring it on, bitch.”   
  
When they say goodnight at the end of the day, there’s this weird, awkward feeling that Jared doesn’t know how to get rid of. Something is off. Maybe, it’s the time or the little things that surround them, but it always shakes the comfort zone they share.   
  
Jared tries to come up with _new ways to say goodbye_ , which sounds weird in his head, but in reality, it’s a pretty accurate description. Sometimes, he speaks faster or slows his speech down, taking pause for Jensen to say the words first, but it still doesn’t work.   
  
They say goodbye, glancing awkwardly at each other and hide in their apartments.   
  
  
  
  
  
Sometimes, Jared catches himself looking at Jensen longer than necessary, eyes caressing his features, warmth filling Jared when Jensen laughs that genuine laugh of his, but it’s okay, they are friends. Jared guesses it happens with some people, and before his brain can dig further, Jared immediately drops the subject.   
  
  
  
  
  
One November day, when the cold starts biting and Jared stops opening their windows, Jared decides that they need to go out and been seen by other people as well.   
  
Jensen blames modern TV and Chad.   
  
Jared comes into Jensen’s apartment and flops down on the couch, placing his legs in Jensen’s lap and sighing dramatically, while Jensen’s gaze remains fixed on the grocery list in his hands, pen in his mouth, frowning down at it.   
  
Jared sighs pointedly one more time.   
  
Jensen unwillingly tears his gaze away to give Jared his full attention, “Chad says we need to go out more, or we’ll turn into the old cat lady.”   
  
“We don’t have cats,” Jensen reasonably points out, hoping to end this discussion and go back to his list.   
  
Jared doesn’t seem supportive, hands flapping as he rushes into explanation, “Still, I want us to have a dog later, not cats. Maybe we should discuss this with our landlord. I don’t want us to have to move into a house. This will suck. Don’t forget, we have a good park near here to walk our dog. And the rent is good. I don’t want us to move into the suburbs, I like it here.”   
  
Jensen swiftly puts his hand on Jared’s ankle, “Jared, concentrate.” Jensen doesn’t see the value in pointing out how ridiculous this all sounds because Jared is ridiculous and impossible most of time.   
  
“Right.” Jared shuts up and thinks for a moment, thoughts going back to the initial topic of this conversation, “I have a plan for going out day. I have a map and everything.”   
  
Jared shifts to pull a paper with the drawn lines out of his grey UFC hoodie, and Jensen recognizes the handwriting, gaze turning worried, “You drew this map?”   
  
Jared can get lost on the way to the market even if Jensen told him the direction and asked him to repeat it after. Jensen knows from experience.   
  
“Yes.” Jared beams at him.   
  
“Why don’t I trust it?”   
  
“Relax,” Jared moves to bring their foreheads together – legs sliding off Jensen’s lap – for them to stare at the piece of the paper as Jared’s index finger pokes at the dots, “This map involves the book store, pet store and cinema.”   
  
Jensen intends to ask, “what?” and “why?” and finally “no”, until Jared adds, “And, we need to find a new pan for making pancakes.”   
  
“You remembered?” Jensen’s eyebrows fly up in amusement and delight, face close enough for Jared to feel puffs of air coming with each word.   
  
“This makes it our official attention grabber line,” Jared mumbles guiltily, looking down to pull out yellow post-it note out of his jeans.   
  
Jensen recognizes his own handwriting, “ _Who destroyed the pan by scrubbing? Jared. Who should buy another pan? Jared._ ”   
  
Jensen glares at Jared, and Jared throws himself at Jensen, enveloping him, as if it can change Jensen’s opinion on the matter.   
  
  
  
  
  
This is how Jensen finds himself forced into spending _their_ day.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen sits on the passenger’s seat, changing radio stations to the songs he wants to hear; after all, it’s the least Jared can do. Jared drives and hums along to the songs.   
  
Jensen looks at the Jared, at the sun rays lightening his dark brown hair into something reddish, and blurts out, “Redhead Jared.”   
  
Jared turns his neck to smile at him fondly without saying a word.   
  
Jensen catches understanding in his eyes, and he wonders if all people who spend large amounts of time together have a tendency to understand even crazy thoughts of each other.   
  
  
  
  
  
The small bookstore on the corner of the street – five blocks from them – smells like the old, fascinated books Jensen likes get lost in.   
  
Jared tugs at Jensen’s sleeve the minute they enter the bookstore, “They have a computer section here. I called, and they promised they had some rare books you’d like.”   
  
Jensen can find anything he wants on-line, but nothing can replace the feeling of a real book, feeling the weight of in his hands, the smell of the pages.   
  
Jensen grabs two books from the shelf and explains the value of each one to Jared, turning the pages to pick the most interesting parts and read them, chanting praises to the authors, and mocking some unfortunate readers who are too dense to appreciate them.   
  
Jared grins at Jensen fondly the whole time and doesn’t even attempt to remind him of politeness. No reader is present here to be insulted anyway.   
  
After, they move to another aisle – Jensen’s fingers around Jared’s wrist guiding them – and one book catches Jensen’s eye. Jensen steps up to it, and Jared has no other choice but to follow him.   
  
Jensen’s fingers drop Jared’s in favor of tracing of the book when he catches Jared’s eyes. Jared just looks at him, slightly leaning into his side and waiting patiently until Jensen is ready to explain. Jensen smiles to himself. These small, rare things make Jared the guy Jensen doesn’t mind spending all his time with.   
  
“This is Dickens’ _David Copperfield_. I loved to read it when I was a kid.” Jensen carefully pulls the book out and opens it, turning the pages deliberately.   
  
“Can you read me something?” Jared’s request surprises Jensen, and he finds himself in an odd position where he doesn’t mind following it.   
  
Jensen curtly nods, lips tightening as he tries to hide the nervousness Jared’s words evoke. It seems personal, like he’s crossing the line, but there’s nothing uncomfortable in the way Jared watches him with a familiar, soft smile on his lips.   
  
Jensen easily finds the first line and clears his throat before he speaks firmly, “Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show”.   
  
They’re silent for a moment, and there’s a weird flip-flop in Jensen’s chest that he tries to cover by putting the book back into its place.   
  
Jared’s fingers cover Jensen’s fingers, stopping his action, and together they end up pulling the book back off the shelf.   
  
“We’re buying this,” Jared is quiet but certain, and Jensen nods, not raising his eyes to meet Jared’s gaze before a sudden thought hits him. “What did you like when you were a kid, Jared?”   
  
“ _Transformers_ ,” and Jensen tilts his head to catch Jared’s embarrassed smile, “I liked _Transformers_.”   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared lets Jensen pay for all his books, but he glares at Jensen when he intends to pay for _David Copperfield_ and snatches the book out of Jensen’s grasp, pulling out his wallet.   
  
They leave the book store, and Jared shrugs his blue backpack off his shoulder to carefully stuff all the books inside, while Jensen inspects Jared’s map trying to find their next destination.   
  
“Pet store!” Jared exclaims helpfully, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder, and pointing at another dot on the map.   
  
  
  
  
  
They spend almost an hour in the pet store where Jared looks for a puppy who will become theirs as soon as they are _ready_.   
  
Jensen doesn’t bother to think about how his job and Jared’s plans for their future fit together since he doesn’t see any reason for upsetting Jared in the moment, taking into account that Jared buying a potential dog has a slight chance of happening at all.   
  
Jared’s prep period implies having meaningful conversations with all the puppies, cooing over them and giving each one of them a name, while Jensen clings to Jared’s backpack, staying apart and pretending he is not with Jared.  
  
Judging by a girl behind the counter who keeps giving them both funny looks as if they’re her favorite celebrities, Jensen is pretty much failing at his attempt.   
  
“Jared,” Jensen finally prods, a mix of desperation and annoyance in his voice, trying not to shift under girl’s somewhat adoring gaze.   
  
“We will definitely come back later. Try not to miss me,” Jared announces to the puppies, and Jensen is convinced the girl is one moment away from swooning.   
  
“Thank you for letting me speak to the puppies–,” Jared shifts his attention to the girl and reads her nametag, “Carol.”   
  
“You are _so_ welcome,” she smiles at them hugely.   
  
Jared gives Jensen that look that translates into “say something nice”, and Jensen bites inside of his mouth before letting out, “Thank you. Bye.”   
  
Jared gives her warm goodbyes that will compensate not only for Jensen’s but the whole city’s discourtesy, and they finally leave.   
  
  
  
  
  
They drive toward a cinema, and somehow Jensen doesn’t object when Jared lets the band _Death Cab For a Cutie_ sing from the stereo with Jared beating the rhythm out on the steering wheel.   
  
When the song ends, Jared squeezes Jensen’s knee in silent _thank you_ , and Jensen turns his face to the window to hide his grin.   
  
Jensen prefers to not wonder why the simple things Jared does make Jensen feel light headed and uneasy at the same time.   
  
When they reach the small cinema, Jensen intentionally doesn’t comment on the movie Jared chose. He lets Jared buy the tickets and covers a big bucket of popcorn and colas himself.   
  
The theater is almost empty, it’s cool and dark inside, and as Jensen sinks into the black and white life of Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman; his mind gets focused, seeing things in a less complicated and clearer perspective.   
  
When the end credits roll up, Jensen bends the line to his own liking, referring to the two of them, “this was the beginning of beautiful friendship.”   
  
However, it doesn’t come as dangerous and threatening to Jensen as he thought it would.   
  
Jensen doesn’t need to turn his head to know that Jared beams at him.   
  
They do forget to buy the pan though.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared has more than two months without people crying for his help, and maybe he’d worry the other time, but now, he has time with Jensen to lose and it makes him worry about this aspect, about messing up the one good thing he has in his life because his destiny is fucked up.   
  
Besides, no one had asked him if he wanted to be a hero in a first place. So.   
  
Sometimes, Jared wonders if he should share his secret with Jensen, if it is unfair to not share it with Jensen, but Jensen is the part of his life that is bright and sunny and is far away from the deaths. Jared is not willing to risk his bond with Jensen.   
  
  
  
  
  
Megan calls him when he’s surfing Amazon for _The West Wing_ DVD’s to buy because Jensen loves the show, calling it brilliant and clever, contrary to other shows that jeopardize the unstable minds. Plus, Jensen doesn’t like many things, which explains Jared’s decision to buy complete series of the show.   
  
Megan goes straightforward after she says “hello”. “So, update me on your sexual encounters.”   
  
“Why?” He asks, while he eyes the screen, clicking the mouse, not bothering to be surprised as her words have a tendency to turn out even more inappropriate.   
  
She doesn’t disappoint him, “Because since your ex, _I-made-the-top-of-the-nauseating-lovers_ list, Zach, left the building, there’s nothing embarrassing to blackmail you.”   
  
“That’s why you were smiling at him all the time and whispering into my ear that he was hot?” He finds the right item and puts it into his shopping cart.   
  
She sighs, suffered, “I was being polite, don’t punish me for that. He was creepy. All medical students are creepy, they like to look at human organs, just poking inside your body with their creepy fingers, and just–,” she makes a disgusted sound into his ear, “ugh”.   
  
“I was a medical student, Megan.” Jared points out dryly.   
  
“You are different.” She shrugs his statement off with a confident tone of her voice.   
  
“How come? Because I was honored to be born as your brother?” There are references to other shows made by the creators of _The West Wing_ , and he contemplates an idea of buying them as well.   
  
“No, because you are a geek. Geeks are just plain boring.”   
  
“Thanks for such a thorough insight of my life.” He adds _Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip_ to his cart as well.   
  
“I can feel sarcasm there, Jared. Do you think I don’t? You’re hurting my feelings.” She patters before she makes a pause to take a breath, “Tell me about that neighbor of yours you keep rambling about.”   
  
“I didn’t ramble about him. I just mentioned him to you once.” Jared corrects her and searches for other shows of Aaron Sorkin. Just for future reference. He likes to be prepared.   
  
“The two times you called, you were mentioning him throughout the whole talk.” She specifies.   
  
“This is unnecessary. Why are you so invested in this? It’s just there was nothing exciting to talk about.” He shrugs and wonders when is the polite time to end this conversation and place an order.   
  
“Does this mean that my brother has grown up and finally managed to find someone exciting?” Obviously, it’s not this moment as Megan acts like a dog with a fresh bone.   
  
“Why do you have to perv over all the good things I have in my life?” Jared asks, incredulous.   
  
“Good things?” She repeats in that soft, indistinctive and alarming tone she borrows sometimes, and Jared frowns, predicting with an anxiety some trouble, “Good then.”   
  
That makes even less sense, and Jared intends to kindly point it out but then, as a good brother that he is, he lets it slip.   
  
Furthermore, he has an order to place.   
  
  
  
  
  
One afternoon, Chad informs Jared that they’re going for the drinks.   
  
“Come and bring your neighbor friend and, apparently, the love of your life. We’re gonna be socializing. I need a confirmation that he isn’t your imaginary friend or some ghost you hide in your apartment like Cordelia did.”   
  
Jared gives him a confusing look, “Cordelia?” before the first part of Chad’s offer sinks in.   
  
“Chick from _Angel_.” Jared is still stuck on love of his life, so Chad’s clarification goes unnoticed, “Whatever. I’ll stop by at eight-ish. Suit up and prepare to get wasted.”   
  
Jared intends to protest, “he is not the love of my life,” and comment that this was a daft joke for Chad come up with, but the words get stuck in his throat.


	3. Chapter 3

Jared tries to find the right moment to tell Jensen about Chad’s proposal, feeling nervous and jittery. _What if Jensen doesn’t like Chad? No one likes Chad._   
  
Unfortunately, he can carry the question right up until he pushes Jensen’s door open to find Jensen sprawled out on his stomach on the rug in the living room, reading a book.   
  
Jensen raises his eyes to give him, “hey man,” and Jared’s mouth goes dry.   
  
Jensen is wearing loose jeans and a grey t-shirt, biceps bulging out from the way he holds a book.   
  
They both just look at each other and the air leaves the room. It’s too thick to breathe or think, and Jared is suddenly frightened, his heart speeding up; it’s like something will blow up if he doesn’t do something.   
  
Jared licks his lips and blurts out, “Chadinvitesustothebar.” Jensen watches him with dark eyes, and Jared repeats lamely, “Chad invites us. To a bar.”   
  
There’s a pause when Jensen closes his eyes for a brief second, and when he opens them, the color is back to green.   
  
He gives Jared a reassuring smile and quiet “okay”.   
  
  
  
  
  
Chad screams, “Chadnimal is here! Buzz me in!”   
  
Jared pushes the button and guiltily glances back at Jensen, “He’s not so bad. But you know, if you end up not liking him, we can always trade him in for a better model of friend. I was told at _Toy R Us_ that I can count on a ten-year guarantee with this particular model.”   
  
Jensen laughs in answer, head thrown back, and everything is fine again. Jared feels that they’re back to being good, comfortable and easy around each other.   
  
  
  
  
  
They settle into the farthest booth in attempt to hear each other, and it’s decent and not too loud, and everything will be fine if Jared can manage to stop worrying that Jensen and Chad will hate each other and the whole night will turn into some kind of disaster.   
  
Jensen slides in next to Jared, and Jared throws his arm around Jensen’s shoulders bringing him close, not giving it a second thought. They ditched the concept of personal space a long time ago.   
  
“Okay. You gained the chance to see me in my natural habitat.” Chad says when the first round of beer is brought, placing both elbows on the table and looking at them meaningfully. “Let’s set the rules first. This is a night of trash-talking, chain-smoking, getting loaded and hooking up, which ends only one way.” He pauses as if giving them a chance to come to the conclusion by themselves, and they share a glance with each other.   
  
“Throwing up?” Jensen pulls away to mouth at Jared doubtfully.   
  
“Getting laid!” Chad screams out indignantly, and Jared is certain that all the neighboring booths heard them over the blaring music.   
  
Chad leans down toward them in order to be more convincing, nodding furiously, “That’s the whole purpose of tonight, lads. Get your priorities straight! Pick the target, recognize your audience and strike! Then–,” Chad makes some unknown gesture with his hands which is soundtracked by the sound he makes, “Bang.”   
  
Chad smiles triumphantly at them, and Jared looks helplessly at Jensen. “He broke up with his girlfriend four months ago and he desperately needs someone he can bitch about. Do you want us to visit _Toy R Us_ after all?”   
  
“No,” Jensen grins at him before turning to give Chad something that Jared calls Jensen’s _sympathetic look_ , “That bad, huh? I can come up with an algorithm to calculate all the options and point out the ones that end with you not getting laid. I can write you a step-by-step script you have to follow in order to avoid bad scenarios and get a girl. Generally, it takes me an hour, but in your case I’d take at least one day to think over.”   
  
Jared should not feel that proud of Jensen, but he’s one minute away of starting to gush to Chad about how amazing Jensen is. And then, he remembers about Chad. Jared unwillingly tears his eyes away of Jensen to watch Chad’s face very carefully as the cycle of processing information is clear on his face, wondering what reaction Chad will end up choosing.   
  
In the end, Chad doesn’t look even slightly offended, smiling at Jensen widely, “Hey, I like you. You are good for my boy. I approve and give you my blessing.”   
  
Next moment, Jared feels Jensen tensing up against his side, and then, Jensen shifts, just a tiny movement of his body that is noticeable only to Jared. Jensen’s thigh is no longer pressed against Jared’s thigh, and Jared instantly misses the warmth and comfort, frowning.   
  
_Chad and his stupid mouth. Talking about things he has no idea of. They are just so good together, what’s wrong with that?_   
  
Jared attempts to kick Chad’s shin under the table, but the fucker’s legs are short and not close enough, so Jared successfully steps on Chad’s toes.   
  
“Hey! Watch where you put your freakishly long legs,” Chad exclaims, affronted, bending down to reach for his leg under the table to rub it.   
  
“Sorry,” Jared gives, trying to sound apologetic.   
  
When Jared turns his head, he catches Jensen failing to hide a smile in his beer mug.   
  
“Hey,” Jared nudges Jensen, smiling at him a bit questionably, and receives quiet and reassuring “hey” in answer.   
  
The rest of the night is a haze of more beer, Chad getting slapped by two girls (not his personal record), Jensen leaning more closely into Jared, warm and loose, and Jared forgetting that personal space exists.   
  
After, they put Chad in a cab first – with him sticking his head out of the car window to scream at Jensen “don’t forget about the getting laid algorithm” – and hail their own.   
  
They throw themselves into the backseat, giving their driver an address that Jensen wrote on a napkin in the beginning of the night – he is forethoughtful like that – and Jared starts laughing hysterically, gasping.   
  
“What?” Jensen demands from somewhere underneath him.   
  
Jared moves and rearranges Jensen until Jensen’s head is tucked under Jared’s arm, still giggling.   
  
“What?” Jensen pokes him in the side.   
  
“Chad, he– He– Remember him saying–,” Jared tries to mimic Chad, hands flying, and Jensen’s head falls in Jared’s lap, “you two are talking in Morse code by blinking at each other!”   
  
Jensen starts laughing as well, and Jared bends in half, laughing hard, almost smashing Jensen.   
  
  
  
  
  
The next day, they spend on Jared’s couch, groaning and cursing Chad as quietly as they can manage, sharing their thoughts by gesturing and passing post-it notes to each other.   
  
Not their best day.   
  
  
  
  
  
Megan calls Jared when he’s busy writing receipts for bodies on the coroner’s computer.   
  
“Hey, big brother. Our father called.” She says cheerfully, and his fingers freeze on the keyboard. “I can practically feel you tensing through the line.”   
  
He pretends he didn’t hear that, voice barely hiding his irritation, “What’s his concern? He gave you your semester money. He can easily write you off until the next one.”   
  
“You know, he doesn’t actually _have_ to pay,” Megan gently points out.   
  
A hot wave of anger covers Jared immediately as he takes a sharp intake of breath. “Hell, he doesn’t! He was always good for only one thing – writing checks.”   
  
She lets him spill out his anger. There are only a few topics that make Jared boil with rage, and each one of them concerns their father. Knowing Jared, in those rare moments, he needs to not be interrupted while ranting, and allowed time to cool down after.   
  
Jared takes a pause, and she misreads it, thinking he’s finished. “I know it’s about mom, but–“   
  
His voice can cut through stone when he speaks, “He left her with two kids, and now, he decides to materialize after her death as if all is peachy. There’s no but’s, Megan.”   
  
“Okay, Jared,” she breathes out apologetically, “Okay.”   
  
  
  
  
  
A few days after, Jensen picks up his phone, and there’s a chief Ray’s voice on the another end, “I had to wait for you to be left alone, Jensen. Things are going well, I assume.”   
  
Jensen’s skin is prickling, but his voice is steady when he answers, “Yes, sir.”   
  
Chief Ray sounds almost pleased, “Good job, Jensen. Continue working with our asset. Any valuable information you want to report?”   
  
The question hangs in the air as Jensen searches his mind for the possible reasons behind it.   
  
“No, sir,” Jensen decides to give an honest answer, “I know my job and I know how to handle any unexpected situations that may appear.”   
  
“Good,” finalizes the chief and lets Jensen know that the conversation is finished, “End of session”.   
  
Jensen slowly puts the phone down and decides to check his apartment for any devices he didn’t plan to have.   
  
After, he can confirm that apartment is clean but a feeling of worry doesn’t vanish.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen relaxes against the couch, watching the last minutes of _60 minutes_ on CBS when Jared dances into the apartment.   
  
Jensen watches him, scrutinizing, and tries to decipher his action before Jared explains it himself.   
  
_Okay, why he is flailing? Is he hurt? No! He’s smiling and shaking his body like a chipmunk in that movie he forced me to watch. Does this swinging of body parts in different directions indicate him dancing? Yes, apparently, it’s Jared’s version of dancing. Noted: Jared would never be accepted into Riverdance. Now, why he is dancing? Because it’s Jared and he doesn’t need a reason. The mystery is solved._   
  
“You’re late,” he accuses Jared, pressing the button on remote to turn the TV off.   
  
“I’ve got a surprise for you, Jenseeeen,” Jared sings in falsetto, coming to stand in front of him. Jensen hopes that this doesn’t mean Jared’s bringing up his woeful idea to go to an opera for an educational purpose.   
  
“Do you know who will be in town to visit you in a few days? This is so exciting!”   
  
He keeps dancing, swaying his hips and trying to distract Jensen.   
  
Jensen follows the movements of Jared’s hips and then, looks up at him hopefully, eyes glistening, “Bill Gates? Steve Jobs? Sergey Brin? Larry Ellison? Which one? Which one?!”   
  
Jared frowns down at him and stops dancing, “You are so frustrating. I don’t even want to know, Jensen. Too many names.” Then, his face lights up as he screams, “Santa! Santa will be in town. It’s Christmas time!”   
  
He starts jumping, and Jensen face falls, “Not even Michael Dell?”   
  
“No! Can you sit on Michael Dell’s lap? Will this Michael bring you presents and Christmas spirit? No, no and no! Only Santa does it!”   
  
“You sit on Santa’s lap!” Jensen mumbles. He is so disappointed.   
  
Jared pays it no attention, blabbering happily, “Next week, Jensen! Chad and Megan are invited. We need to make something special for our guests. We are making Christmas dinner, the whole shebang: eggnog, turkey, potatoes and carrots.”   
  
Jensen hates Christmas.   
  
He stands up and shuffles into the kitchen, pouting. He can never discuss new software with Santa. Not to mention, his non-existence.   
  
Jared follows him and drapes an arm over Jensen’s shoulders while Jensen peers into the open fridge, looking for a bottle of water.   
  
Squeezing Jensen lightly in excitement, Jared starts sharing his ideas, “I’m making a turkey; it’s the only thing I know how to cook decently. And this time, I’m the one responsible for the cooking. You can relax and enjoy your Christmas.” Jensen tilts his head to look at Jared dubiously, and Jared continues.   
  
“Well, you can be responsible for mashed potatoes. And tomorrow, we’re going to buy a tree and stockings.”   
  
Jensen _really_ hates Christmas.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen almost gets into a fight with the Christmas tree seller who attempts to force an unsymmetrical tree on them.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared’s turkey looks and smells amazing which is miraculous. Jensen eyes it from the couch in the living room.   
  
It’s almost an hour before the guests start arriving, and Jensen made excellent mashed potatoes without any glutinous blobs inside. He _deserves_ to taste that turkey. He doesn’t see a point in the stupid rule of not being allowed to cut a piece of turkey before the dinner starts.   
  
Jensen feels uncomfortable about meeting Jared’s sister. Mostly because everyone Jensen meets think of him as weird and antisocial (which he is in this inadequate world), with a valuable exception for Jared because Jared is some cartoon character himself and cannot be thought of as a judge. Additionally so, he doesn’t want to jeopardize Jared’s highly anticipated dinner with awkwardness.   
  
  
  
  
  
The doorbell rings, and Jared screams, “Jensen, open the door!”   
  
Jensen doesn’t want to. He wants to spend this Christmas with only Jared, eating turkey, washing it down with eggnog and waiting to unwrap presents and watch Jared’s expressions when he opens his present.   
  
However, he is forced to open the door and is faced with tiny, female version of Jared.   
  
“You must be Jensen,” she smiles at him, dimples showing.   
  
He nods in answer, biting his lower lip, and glances back helplessly.   
  
“Megan,” Jared shouts, approaching them, and jumps to catch and twirl her, allowing Jensen to back away and go hide in the kitchen.   
  
Jensen pretends to be occupied by opening the fridge and trying to disappear inside it.   
  
“Jensen,” Jared comes and nudges him with a shoulder. He tugs at Jensen’s hand gently, speaking quietly, “C’mon, she’ll love you. I’ll be there to make sure of it.”   
  
  
  
  
  
The first thing Megan does when he sees them is exclaim, “God, you’re so hot! What are you doing hanging with my loser of a brother?”   
  
Jensen takes a cautious step back, eyes wide, but Jared’s chest stops him, Jared’s arms wrap around Jensen’s waist, his chin resting on Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen breathes out and tries to smile at Megan.   
  
“Megan, what did I tell you about harassing Jensen?” Jared says sternly.   
  
Megan watches them with a disturbingly soft smile, and Jensen tilts his head to the side to look at Jared.   
  
“My sister is crazy,” Jared mouths at him.   
  
_Just like you_ , Jensen thinks, grinning.   
  
Jared smiles in answer knowingly, answering him.   
  
Megan makes some squeaking sound, and they both turn to look at her, puzzled.   
  
  
  
  
  
Chad comes half of hour later, bringing beer and a sob story about another woman being immune to his charms.   
  
“I’m loveable and delectable,” he informs Jensen, finger pointing at his own chest.   
  
“Duly noted,” Jensen smiles awkwardly at him and wonders what is the established procedure for telling a person that his fly is open. Trying to be polite and civil is exhausting.   
  
  
  
  
  
Dinner is amazing. Jared’s turkey is delicious, and Jared makes a comment on Jensen’s perfect cooking skills which makes Jensen smile in delight.   
  
  
  
  
  
They are sprawled across the living room.   
  
Jared and Jensen occupy a couch, Jared’s head in Jensen’s lap because Jared is exhausted from all the cooking and he deserves that much, Jensen’s fingers stroking his hair.   
  
Megan gives them funny looks from the chair across them, and Chad is slouched on the floor, surrounded by pillows, singing _‘We wish you a Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year’_ loudly.   
  
“I vote for not doing a thing,” Megan says lazily, and Jensen glances at her.   
  
“You are not doing anything,” Jared points out, head pushing up in a request for Jensen to continue, eyes closed.   
  
They fall into a comfortable silence until Chad starts singing _‘Jingle Bells’_.   
  
“I vote for unwrapping presents,” Megan suggests.   
  
“Presents!” Jared exclaims and nimbly climbs off the couch, tugging Jensen along.   
  
“Aren’t we supposed to wait till the morning?” Jensen frowns, falling in step with him with reluctance. He doesn’t want to share any unwrapping moments with everyone.   
  
“No! We can set our own revolutionary rules in our house, Jensen.” Jared shouts, jumping toward the Christmas tree and almost stepping on Chad.   
  
“Watch out, dude!” Chad screams and throws pillows at them. Jared squeaks and steps in front of Jensen to protect him.   
  
Jensen rolls his eyes at Jared’s back and sighs heavily. He wonders when he got used to this.   
  
  
  
  
  
Megan gets money from Santa because there was her dogmatic request no one dared to appeal against.   
  
Chad gets booze (beer and whiskey), one beanie and the phone number of Megan’s slutty roommate.   
  
Jensen is the next to unwrap his gifts. He looks down at the four different color boxes with bow in front of him.   
  
“I decided to be responsible for your Santa,” Jared beams at him.   
  
“Yeah! Like we had a chance to participate,” Megan puts in sarcastically. Jared pinches her hand while not tearing his gaze from Jensen.   
  
Jensen says nothing and starts opening all the boxes carefully. After, he looks down at everything and his fingers itch to grab it all. He has two scarves, one set of mittens and gloves, two pair of socks, a CD with new software and a new Tissot watch.   
  
“I saw you googling that watch,” Jared explains quietly, leaning into Jensen’s side, arms shoved into his hoodie pockets. He tries to catch Jensen’s gaze, but Jensen keeps looking down at the presents insistently, lump in his throat.   
  
Megan clears her throat pointedly.   
  
“Why _my_ Santa was being nickel-and-dimed?” Chad frowns at his booze.   
  
“Can I have that phone number back?” Megan suggests sweetly, trying to snatch a piece of paper with a written number.   
  
“Woman, no!” Chad shoves it into his mouth, and Megan raises his eyebrow at him in admonishment.   
  
“Okay, now, it’s Jared’s time.” He mumbles around a piece of paper.   
  
Jensen tears his gaze away from the watch to explain, pointing at the last box under the tree, “I, um, I only have one box for you, it’s black and it doesn’t have a bow.” He shrugs when Jared looks at him questioningly.   
  
“Open it already,” Chad grunts, pulling the paper out of the mouth, and checking it to memorize the numbers.   
  
Jared grins at Jensen before opening the box, and Megan screams first, “A new MacBook! Are you serious?”   
  
Jared pulls out the white laptop and clutches it against his chest, looking at Jensen with shining eyes. Jensen hopes he likes it. “Your laptop is going to leave you with a suicide note any day now.”   
  
“This is so– Jensen, I–,” Jared starts and trails off helplessly.   
  
They keep looking at each other, Jared is grinning, and Jensen smiles back because it’s Jared.   
  
“I hate you both,” Megan declares. “Where is that stupid mistletoe when you need it?”   
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared wakes up to someone’s fingers attempting to pry his eyelids open.   
  
He tilts his head up to look at Chad with blurry eyes. “Let me sleep or I will hate you forever.” His head bumps back against the forensic table, and Jared doesn’t even stir.   
  
“How many hours did you sleep, man?” Chad was never good at following advice.   
  
Jared ignores him and happily passes out.   
  
The next moment, his body is attacked by a monster with scrawny hands and a high-pitched voice.   
  
“Dude, you can’t leave me alone with all the dead bodies,” Chad whines miserably, “I’ll turn into Haley Joel. We don’t want that! I’ll get you some coffee and bring you back to the land of the living, okay?”   
  
Jared approvingly hums in answer, eyes closed.   
  
“I hope, at least, that your sleep deprivation is from banging someone last night,” Chad drops a hopeful comment before leaving.   
  
Jared snores in response.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared is just finishing his second cup of coffee when Chad elbows him in the ribs.   
  
“Dude, stop. That hurts.” Jared complains, rubbing his wounded side.   
  
Chad practically bounces and doesn’t look even slightly concerned. “I’ve waited long enough. Appreciate it, buddy. Now, I want details. Provide me!”   
  
“Is this some kind of weird game of how many short sentences you can manage?” Jared frowns down at him.   
  
“Jared Tristan Padalecki, do you want me to start singing musical numbers from _Cat_ , or are you smart enough to reveal the exciting truth of your last night’s extravaganza?” Chad demands in a highly disapproving tone.   
  
Jared looks skeptically at Chad, pointing at his empty cup, “Starbucks is around the corner. I need a grande cappuccino and two blueberry muffins.”   
  
Chad gives him an incredulous look, “Is this supposed to be amusing? If it is, you’re totally failing.”   
  
Jared shrugs non-caringly. “It’s a limited time offer, Chad.”   
  
  
  
  
  
Chad comes back twenty minutes later, pissed off, carrying bag and drinks in his hands.   
  
Jared tries not to smile. Much.   
  
“I hate your face and your evil mastermind. I hope you choke on the muffins. Bon appetite,” Chad grumbles, shoving the Starbucks bag at Jared.   
  
Jared beams at him with, “Merci, monsieur.”   
  
Jared makes a show of slowly eating the muffins and drinking his cappuccino in the kitchen corner while Chad throws daggers at him, wishing Jared “to get fat and ugly”.   
  
“We had a _Friends_ marathon last night.” Jared finally confesses, finishing his coffee, leaning on back of his chair, legs stretching.   
  
Chad processes the information for a moment, frowning furiously, before he comes to conclusion and his face lights up. “As if. You and your neighbor boyfriend invited another couple and were having an orgy?” Chad wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, and Jared pulls a disgusted face.   
  
“Chad, you do understand that _Queer as Folk_ is not an honest depiction of gay life, don’t you?”   
  
“Liar!” Chad takes a step back in shock and looks at him accusingly. “You are totally a Justin to his Brian. Don’t ruin it! Gay lifestyle is all about having sex and getting laid without paranoia of getting some chick pregnant. It’s fabulous!”   
  
Jared gives him a pitying look, shaking his head in an apparent _no_.   
  
Chad looks broken and immediately throws a napkin at Jared in revenge. “Oh, my God! You’re such a Neal Patrick Harris! I’m ashamed of you. The least you can do is make me a godfather to your children. They’re gonna need a tough male role model in their lives.”   
  
“Tough, huh? Does that mean that you’re out of the picture then?” Jared smirks.   
  
“You are not allowed to mock me when you are the one being disgustingly in love like a teen girl with a crush!” Chad spreads his hands in disbelief.   
  
“What?” Jared awkwardly smiles in answer, baffled.   
  
“Don’t be thick; it’s not pretty on you.” Chad mutters and leaves immediately.   
  
“What?” Jared asks an empty space as Chad is already gone.   
  
  
  
  
  
The rest of the day is loaded with work, and Jared is grateful, trying to avoid Chad and the chance of finding himself in an unwelcome conversation.   
  
Later that night, Jared drags his body home, trying not to pass out on the first floor.   
  
Jensen’s apartment is closest to the stairs, and Jared props himself against the wall next to Jensen’s door, fumbling for a key and cursing at being unsuccessful. He feels like all his strength was squeezed out of him, and he won’t be able to carry himself further.   
  
Jared closes his eyes for a moment, trying to recollect himself.   
  
The next thing he knows, someone is touching him, and Jared blindly leans towards the body, recognizing it before he opens his eyes.   
  
“Jared, what is it?” Jensen has amazing green eyes and worried voice.   
  
Jared commands his tongue to help him form the words. “M’tired. Really tired,” he slurs.   
  
Jared lets Jensen take him inside the apartment and navigate him. Jared walks, staggering a little, his eyes involuntary closing.   
  
Jensen presses him down onto the pillows and cushions, pulling off his shoes; it’s bed, not a couch. Jensen whispers something soothing, tucking him up in a duvet, and Jared gives him a sleepy smile before drifting off.   
  
Jared wakes up sometime later when someone nuzzles in his shoulder, and it’s Jensen, and maybe Jared needs to think about it, but Jensen is warm and asleep next to him. The awkward part is missing, and this is them being good and fumbling towards better, so Jared pulls the duvet higher over both of them and sleeps better than he had in weeks.   
  
  
  
  
  
The next morning starts with Jensen shaking Jared lightly, “Jared, c’mon, wake up! You’re gonna be late.”   
  
Jensen’s voice is soft, and Jared plans to tackle him and fall back asleep but the realization sinks in, and next minute, Jared abruptly jumps up off the bed, glancing at the clock on the bedside table, “Shit, I’m late.”   
  
He pulls on his shoes and runs off, leaving a blinking Jensen beside. The next moment, Jared rushes back, pulling Jensen close, kissing the tip of his nose and dropping apologies, “Sorry. I gotta run. You are the best. I love you.”   
  
Halfway towards the office, Jared realizes that there was no sign of a lie or joke in what he was saying.   
  
  
  
  
  
Christian calls when Jensen is still in the bed looking up at the ceiling with thoughts unraveling in his head and running places he doesn’t want them to.   
  
“How’s my favorite boy?” Christian says and Jensen catches his evasive tone.   
  
“What do you want?” grumbles Jensen unkindly, hand rubbing his forehead.   
  
“Can you drink your coffee before you decide to talk to anyone, man?” He comments, smirk in his voice.   
  
Jensen stops any movement, tightening his hold on the cell phone, “What exactly do you want, Christian?” He sounds displeased and cold.   
  
Christian doesn’t waste any more of Jensen’s time, “Do you want to keep playing that game, Jensen? I don’t think you will win.”   
  
Jensen closes his eyes in an attempt to regain his composure, voice restrained, “I know how to do my work, Christian. I know what to do with an asset.”   
  
“Are you paying attention to what you’re saying?” Christian’s voice is hideously firm. “To the way you say them? Did you catch how it sounds less assuring than before?”   
  
Jensen disconnects the call.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared wonders if he should be freaking out or driving himself into having a panic attack, or at least pondering over this whole being in love thing, but every time he thinks of Jensen, he can’t help but grin widely, a heap of happiness fluttering inside him.   
  
He feels like a man with a lost memory whose last and essential memory finally was recovered and fitted into the right place, and now, he can see the whole picture, being fulfilled.   
  
Everything seems clearer and brighter, and there’s no place for doubts.   
  
Jared only hopes that Jensen is in a place to take that last step as well, but somehow, everything feels accurate and inevitable. And Jared can’t help but feeling blissful.   
  
Jensen is what Jared wanted, even before he knew what it was.   
  
Jared thinks of the first time they met, how it was just a glimpse of what Jared could have, and how it turned into having _that_ someone in your life who is bright and intelligent, hilarious, and gorgeous, and so, so utterly special that Jared couldn’t help but keep holding on to, afraid to let go, and how he thought it was enough, all that he was allowed to have, and didn’t dare to consider anything more.   
  
But then, Jensen became the only one Jared wanted so badly, he didn’t think of ever letting go, and he filled his whole life with Jensen, making him the only person who should stay in it forever and be as close to Jared as possible.   
  
And just because Jared only now figures out the name he could put to his feelings a long time ago, it doesn’t mean he never realized what an enormous love he was carrying for Jensen. It’s just that his heart barely contains it now.   
  
  
  
  
  
Chad welcomes Jared with a grunt, “I hate your smiley face. Don’t wear it at work. Ever”.   
  
Apparently, Chad had a wild night, and now, he is dying from a hangover and is planning to kill himself in the fastest way possible.   
  
“Do you want me to bring an axe? I’ve heard it’s similar to pulling out a tooth with a string.” Jared offers helpfully.   
  
“I can feel you being happy, stop it! It’s giving me a headache. Did you get laid or something?” Chad rumbles, holding his head with both hands and sneaking a glance at Jared through the fingers.   
  
“Nope and neither did you. Also, thank you for efficiently fulfilling the duties of _best friend vacancy_ until the right candidate arrived.”   
  
Chad dismissed his words with a wave of his hand and pulls down the collar of his shirt proudly to demonstrate a purple hickey, “At least I had some action. My whole body aches.” He cocks an eye at Jared smugly, “I bet I made her night unforgettable.”   
  
“Well,” Jared starts thoughtfully as if giving it some consideration, “Judging by the way you feel now, I guess you can’t tell if that was boy or a girl.” He shrugs non-caringly.   
  
Chad stares at him in horror before turning red, and he hisses indignantly, “No! You didn’t just touch what is sacred! It was some chick!”   
  
Jared gives him another shrug of his shoulders, like _what do you know_ , setting a trap for Chad, friendly tone in place, “I’m not one to judge, you know. Things happen.”   
  
Chad easily falls into the ambush, trying to recollect any information from last night and obviously failing, head lightly jerking while processing, while his hand unconsciously rubs his ass, and after, he turns his accusing gaze at Jared, “I hope Jensen knows what a jerk he gained. I’m gonna write him a letter of condolence to express my sorrow.”   
  
Jared gives him a look of injured innocence, clasping a hand over his heart.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared spends a whole day at work beaming at nothing at particular and hoping that none of his clients decide to wake up and ruin this day. He is a horrible person, but he has this big revelation he needs to deliver, so his feeling of guilt is quite bearable.   
  
  
  
  
  
Unexpectedly, on a way home Jared’s emotions do turnover, and the worry catches up with him as he starts contemplating everything, flipping out.   
  
There is of cluster of thoughts starting up with “what if”.   
  
What if Jensen doesn’t feel that way about him? What if Jensen wants to stay friends and nothing more? What if it’s all in Jared’s head and Jensen is a poor guy who doesn’t expect Jared to dump all those feeling on him? What if Jensen won’t tell him the truth because he is a good guy and will feel sorry for Jared? What if Jensen tells the truth and will break Jared’s heart because he is honest?   
  
  
  
  
  
By the time Jared reaches Jensen’s door, he drives himself into a complete nervous wreck, all emotions bared and raw.   
  
He presses his forehead against Jensen’s door, breathing for а few moments before his heart doesn’t feel like it wants to jump out of the ribcage.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared knocks on Jensen’s door and takes a step back, calming his twitching nerves.   
  
Jensen swings open the door and a small smile replaces his frowning expression.   
  
“Since when do you knock, Jared?” Jensen steps inside, turning away and leaving a room for Jared to follow him after.   
  
Jared closes the door and watches Jensen’s back for a brief moment, breathing in.   
  
“Jensen, Jensen.” Jared catches up with him, clutching at his wrist and stopping Jensen midway.   
  
Jensen turns his questioning gaze at Jared, eyes glistening.   
  
Jared licks his lips and swallows hard, “We’re good, right?” His voice comes out raspy and restrained, and Jared takes another shaky breath before continuing, “I mean– Are we good?”   
  
“We’re good, Jared.” Jensen confirms, smiling, but there’s an edge to it, and Jared has no other choice but to press further, hopeful and scared.   
  
“I mean, I mean– Can we be better?” There’s a lump in his throat, eyes stinging, and Jared wonders why it feels like he already knows that Jensen’s answer will hurt him, when there’s a chance of having _this_. Maybe they can…   
  
“We _are_ good, Jared.” Jensen answers somewhat hollowly, voice insisting, and Jared jerks his head, letting go of Jensen, and hiding his eyes somewhere on the floor, numb.   
  
“Okay, Jared?” Jensen’s voice is softer, worried.   
  
“Yes,” Jared answers, not looking his way, “Yes.”   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared never wished so much for one of his clients to turn his gaze on him with a cry for help, and instead, helped Jared to rewrite that day and pretend it never happened.   
  
He leaves Jensen with some fake excuse and goes into his apartment, closing the door behind and leaning against it, breathing hard. It feels like something is burning inside his chest, and he presses his fist hard against it, trying to stop the pain.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared opens his eyes the next day, and it still hurts badly, and he can’t turn it off.   
  
He lies on the bed, with his eyes wide open, and he hopes for something to change. He hopes.   
  
But when it’s time to meet Jensen, Jared slips on a smile and pushes his pain deep down.   
  
  
  
  
  
Unfortunately, things turn ugly.   
  
Jared hates himself for it. For opening his big stupid mouth, for putting that guarded face expression on Jensen’s face.   
  
Jared bites his lips and keeps his hands to himself, each part of his body that can contact with Jensen’s. _Do not touch_.   
  
But every time Jensen makes this abrupt movement, like he want to touch Jared and remembers the last second that he can’t, turning stiff, his hands awkwardly dropping to his sides, Jared gives him a pained awkward smile and a lame excuse to hide in his own apartment.   
  
Jared worries and blames himself, and he can’t get rid of the “what if’s”.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared never realized how much personal space they shared and how often they touched each other until it stops. His body misses Jensen.   
  
His eyes greedily watch Jensen’s movements when Jensen’s not looking.   
  
Jared doesn’t know why their relationship turned into some high school affair with Jared being the one with unrequited love and cowardly averting his eyes every time Jensen catches his gaze.   
  
  
  
  
  
Chad watches Jared with worry in his eyes, but he doesn’t say a word, until one afternoon when Jared is relaxing on a coffee-break with Chad, letting his guard down. Chad decides to comment, considerately looking aside.   
  
“The guy knows all the TV shows and music you love, downloading all this shit for you only because you mentioned it one time, buying you some stupid t-shirt with _Transformers_ because you wanted it when you were a kid, listening to all the crap that comes out of your mouth like you are the Dalai Lama and looking at you like you might disappear the minute you’re out of his sight. Don’t tell me that it’s not love, Jared.” Jared is left to sit in his spot, pale and numb, when Chad stands up and leaves.   
  
Chad doesn’t bring it up again.   
  
  
  
  
  
After, it’s just weeks of dull pain, but Jared can live with that.   
  
He is over thinking a lot when he is alone and forces his lips to stretch into smile when he’s with somebody, but apart from that, he is okay.   
  
Jensen messes with him. He keeps being this amazing human being that Jared can only adore from afar, saying or doing things the way only Jensen does, and Jared aches inside every moment he spends with him, but still, he can’t step away.   
  
  
  
  
  
One Sunday, they are in Jensen’s apartment, celebrating Jared’s day off and pretending to be good while standing by the fridge with beers in their hands, and Jensen glances up at Jared to say casually, fingers clenched around the beer bottle’s neck, “I vote for a _M*A*S*H_ marathon this weekend.”   
  
Jared fixes his gaze on Jensen’s fingers, noticing how Jensen’s knuckles are white, and he wonders what it means, if it means something at all, while Jensen’s words sink in, and just _no_. He can’t bear spending the whole weekend with Jensen by his side like nothing has changed.   
  
“No,” Jared shakes his head in determination.   
  
“What?” Jensen frowns at him, displeased, and Jensen can’t ask that much of him.   
  
Jared’s emotions are threatening to boil over the edge that he tightly holds on to, and Jared is afraid to slip.   
  
“I just can’t,” Jared bites out, anger creeping into his voice.   
  
They don’t touch _this subject_ , but they both know the reason. Why Jensen keeps pushing is beyond Jared’s comprehension.   
  
“You’re being stupid.” Jensen states, disappointment in his voice.   
  
“I know,” Jared nods, wounded, and then, he looks at Jensen with pain in his eyes, and says through clenched teeth, “I know.”   
  
“No, you don’t.” Jensen shakes his head stubbornly, and he sounds wrecked and confused. “You’re being all awkward and– and acting stupid. And you are the one who shouldn’t be. You are the one who should know how to do this. How to make this better. Look at you! Why aren’t you doing better? At least, _you_ should be!”   
  
He bites inside of his mouth and looks at Jared, desperate and angry, his chest heaving.   
  
Jared looks back and he wants to crush something, to make these emotions go away.   
  
“Don’t,” he says, a warning in his voice, barely containing himself. He carefully sets the bottle down on the counter, before he gives in to the urge to throw it against the wall.   
  
He avoids Jensen’s gaze when he leaves, slamming the door on his way out, anger catching up with him.


	4. Chapter 4

Jensen uses his own key to let himself in.   
  
Jensen finds Jared sitting on the bed, propped against the headboard, hand rubbing over his forehead in attempt to get rid of the forming headache, watching Jensen hovering in the doorway of his bedroom.    
  
“Not the best time, Jensen,” Jared comments warily and wills himself to still, pressing his palms flat against the bed, grounding himself.    
  
Jensen sets his jaw and steps further into the room, coming to stand by Jared’s side of the bed.    
  
Jared shakes his head lightly and looks away, resigned. “Who’s acting stupid now?”    
  
“Remind me why we can’t have this,” there’s venom and despair; and Jared can’t _not_ look, his head snapping to watch Jensen, holding on to his every breath.   
  
“Because you don’t want this,” Jared says with a pained smile.    
  
“No, not that, that’s bull shit,” Jensen dismisses flatly, his lips twitching before setting into a taut line. “Give me another reason.”    
  
Jared is perplexed, his fingers clutching at the duvet on the bed, not understanding what is happening. He feels like he’s way out of his element, lost without directions.    
  
“You want us to stay friends,” he suggests, confused.    
  
“And it has nothing to do with me wanting to kiss life out of you and push you against any horizontal surface every time I see you?” Jensen asks, no hint of humor of his voice.    
  
“What?”    
  
Jensen makes a wry face, waving his hand in decline, “Another reason, Jared.”    
  
Jared pauses and looks pointedly at Jensen when he speaks firmly, voice strained, “You don’t love me.”    
  
Jensen huffs in bitter amazement, “You should come up with true statements, Jared, not false ones.”    
  
The bed shifts under Jensen’s weight, and Jared’s gaze is leveled with Jensen’s.   
  
“What?” Jared breathes out, pained. “What?”    
  
“This,” Jensen says and kisses Jared.   
  
Jared makes a hurt sound, clutching the material of Jensen’s shirt, fabric getting in the way when he pulls Jensen closer, grounding himself against Jensen’s body as he loses his grip on reality. Jared needs to ask or to think, but Jensen’s mouth is demanding, hot and wet, tongue slipping into Jared’s mouth, and Jared clutches tighter, reality not making sense and tumbling over, body searching for more contact with Jensen’s.   
  
He gets to have this, no matter the reason; he can have it, for now. He can have this kiss that makes his heart beat frantically in his chest like it might stop the minute Jensen leaves him, body trying to dissolve into Jensen, clinging to him to never let go, and maybe there is a slight chance of having more.   
  
Jensen pulls away, and Jared becomes desperate and greedy, one step away from sobbing because he never needed anything in his life that much, following the warmth of Jensen’s body, fingers digging into the flesh of Jensen’s shoulders. _He isn’t ready to let go._   
  
“Do you get it now, Jared?” Jensen asks, his eyes dark and mouth red, and Jared doesn’t, not really, but Jensen dives back in, pushing into Jared’s body; his lips, his hips, fingers slipping into Jared’s hair, and Jared makes a strangled sound, chocking on the emotions while they slip down the cushions.   
  
“I deserve to have this,” is falling between their lips and though Jared recognized despair, still he finds his own voice odd until he realizes – heart stopping – it was Jensen’s words.   
  
“No, no, no,” Jared stops and cradles Jensen’s face in his arms, body pushing up to be closer, “Jensen, look at me. Look at me.”   
  
Jensen has dark shadows under his eyes and pain in his eyes, and Jared can’t believe he didn’t notice this before, stuck with thoughts inside his own head.   
  
“Jensen, why did you?” _All those weeks_ , he wants to add. _Why did you torture us for all those weeks?_   
  
Jensen jerks his head, swallowing hard, and averts his eyes. And it doesn’t matter in the slightest.   
  
Jared tilts Jensen’s face and presses his forehead against Jensen’s, whispering soothingly, “it’s okay. It’s okay”. He convinces Jensen by kissing the skin around his eyes and temples, “We are good. We are so good now, Jensen.”   
  
This puts Jared right into the place where he steps over his fears and allows himself to believe in _them_ , dragging Jensen along.   
  
Jensen pulls away for a moment, lips shining from the kisses, and Jared starts trembling.   
  
There’s hope and even hint of fear still lingering, and there’s this blinding love and enormous realization of them being on the same page.   
  
“This–,” Jensen starts, fumbling for words and looking for the right ones somewhere down in the duvet, “I– I need. I want you here. You’re what I want.”   
  
“I do, too.” Jensen raises his eyes, and Jared repeats, “I do.”   
  
Maybe they need more time to convince each other, to believe they are going to be fine from now on. But for now, they need to lose all boundaries and fix each other. No need to be worried or careful or scared. They are in this together. Just the two of them. No one will get that close to feel it but them.   
  
“You are amazing. You know that, Jensen?” Jared says sincerely, eyes bright as he reaches to lick the corner of Jensen’s mouth.   
  
Jensen’s mouth twitches, and he smiles, flicking out his tongue to taste Jared’s.   
  
“I am?” Jensen gasps, pressing his hips down into Jared’s thighs. The friction is amazing, and it needs to be inspected more.   
  
Jared’s arms move to fumble with zipper of Jensen’s pants, while his mouth can’t manage to detach itself from Jensen’s. Jared feels as if he would break if they stop, if they don’t get to touch each other _right now_ , because they waited for so long and he just _can’t_ wait. No more waiting.   
  
“I need this,” he pants into the kiss trying to tell Jensen everything he feels with those words, and then, Jensen palms him through the fabric of the pants and Jared is so hard, his brain switches off.   
  
Jared finds Jensen’s dick in his briefs, hand fumbling to get a better grip, and Jensen starts making these little breathy noises into Jared’s mouth.   
  
“We need to have sex _now_ ,” Jensen emphasizes, pulling away and nodding to himself while determinately shoving down Jared’s pants.   
  
“Oh,” Jared comments cleverly and rushes to confirm, “yes.” Jared uses all that is left in his brain to pull down Jensen’s jeans as well, trying to drag his mouth down every patch of Jensen’s skin he can reach.    
  
They both reach to yank off each other’s shirts after, attempting to navigate their hands to not get in a way of each other. They silently agree of taking off each other’s clothes as fast as possible.   
  
Jensen’s head gets tangled in his shirt because Jared is impatient and his hands keep trembling slightly, and he still can’t believe he has Jensen all to himself, his heart beat is a loud noise in his ears.   
  
Jensen mumbles something insulting toward the shirt while Jared helps him, setting him free, and smiling all the time, and after, he has to kiss away Jensen’s frown and taste it and replace it with a smile.    
  
Jensen smiles that blinding smile of his, and Jared recalls that he was always the only one on the receiving end of it.   
  
“Did I tell you that I _really_ like you?” He grins hugely.   
  
Jensen grabs him in answer, pulling up until they’re sitting back on their heels, pressed against each other, chest heaving, legs tangled in the sheets, and Jensen just watches, eyes boring into Jared’s.   
  
Jared’s heart is beating like crazy, and he doesn’t give a damn about anything but Jensen.   
  
Jensen’s thumb smears an invisible line from Jared’s cheekbone to his lips, and when Jared’s eyes involuntary close, Jensen dives in hard, mouth pushing against Jared’s, along with his thumb pressing inside Jared’s mouth.   
  
Jared sucks on Jensen’s thumb – calloused and salty – and uses his hand to grip Jensen’s bicep for leverage.   
  
Jensen groans and lightly pushes Jared down on the bed, following him after, throwing the duvet off and out of the way and straddling Jared. And it’s only their briefs handicapping them and they need to be off.   
  
Jared needs to get closer, and he whimpers, pushing his hips up to get more friction. He knows he’s becoming frantic and desperate and clumsy, and can they be naked already?!   
  
Jensen’s breath is hot on Jared’s nipple, teasing it with his tongue. Jared shoves his hand into Jensen’s hair roughly, and Jensen pushes Jared’s thighs apart, sliding down.   
  
Jensen kisses Jared’s stomach, and Jared’s breath hitches, stomach muscles trembling. Jared quivers and begs, because he doesn’t think he can manage to wait another second, “I need it. Please, I need it. I _need_ it, Jensen.” Jensen nuzzles Jared’s thigh, kisses lightly along the inner thigh, and Jared’s body jerks, while he mumbles, “Jensen, Jensen, Jensen.”   
  
Jensen uses this moment to drag Jared’s briefs off and processes to slide off his own as Jared looks down at him, blinking and amazed. Sun rays streaming through the window momentarily blind Jared, and he hovers his hand over his eyes to watch as Jensen pulls away, Jared’s eyes greedy on his naked skin as it almost glows under the sun.   
  
“I love you,” Jared thinks, feeling desperate and trembling under the weight of his feelings.   
  
The next moment, Jensen moves, and his warm and naked body is pressed against Jared’s, both of them panting, and the sun makes everything bright and blurred, and Jensen is the only thing Jared can be fixed on because he’s losing his mind slowly. It’s too hot; Jensen’s body and his own feelings are driving him insane.   
  
Jensen says, “I want this.” He sounds so sure and determined; pressing down onto Jared until not even a sun ray is able to get in between them, cocks moving against each other, and Jared hisses.   
  
“Fuck,” Jensen says into Jared’s skin. He bites hard into Jared’s neck, and Jared digs his fingers into Jensen’s shoulder blades.   
  
Jensen groans and shoves Jared’s thighs apart, moving down. No more teasing. His fingers circle Jared’s hole while his mouth closes around Jared’s dick, and he sucks Jared down, messy and amazing, making these low moaning sounds. Jared throws his head against the pillow and pants, “Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me.”   
  
Jared looks blindly at the ceiling while Jensen pushes his fingers in deeper, dry, a bit on the side rough but oh, so perfect. And Jared begs quietly, “please, don’t stop, don’t stop.”   
  
When Jensen pulls away, Jared’s mouth gives a helpless sob, brain turning on to look down at Jensen.   
  
There’s a popping up sound, and Jared breathes out in relief with Jensen leaning to kiss the side of his jaw while his lube-slicked fingers work Jared open.   
  
Jared’s hips move along to get Jensen’s fingers deeper. When Jared gasps in surprise, blind pleasure kicking him in the gut and making him writhe on the sheets frantically, brain blurred with want, Jensen smiles and murmurs something against Jared’s lips.   
  
“I think I’m dying,” Jared intends to tell him.   
  
“Jared,” Jensen calls softly and pulls away his fingers, and Jared grins weakly, tongue darting out to lick his mouth and catching the beads of sweat. _Finally_.   
  
It’s a bit uncomfortable at first, because it is still painful. Jared doesn’t want _slow_ ; he wants it fast, all at once. He doesn’t want to be careful; he wants Jensen to be deep inside him and fucking him as hard as possible. And he can’t be gentle and nice when the _want_ is killing him.   
  
Jared tangles his legs around Jensen’s hips, grinding up into Jensen, and Jensen leans to give him a deep kiss, eyes half-open and carefully watching Jared. Jensen grins at him and Jared grins back, happy, because they’re finally where they should be and doing what they wanted for so long, and it can’t get more perfect.   
  
Jensen winks at him and snaps his hips, starting to move fast, determined, making Jared pant into his shoulder. It does get more perfect.   
  
Jensen’s hand slides to lift Jared’s leg higher, his cock sliding deeper, and he knows he hits the right spot when Jared’s breath stutters and he hisses.   
  
Jensen smiles and keeps the same angle, and Jared’s body threatens to shatter into pieces while he gasps for air, mouth open.   
  
Jared wants to watch Jensen, to watch how they both fit into each other, Jensen moving inside him, and how perfect everything is. He fights to keep his eyes open, but there’s too much light and maybe it’s not light but just Jensen, and Jared wants it even more.   
  
Jensen’s free hand caresses Jared’s cheek when he says, “You are it for me.” Jared thinks he can let go of the world right now and forget is ever existed without Jensen.   
  
Jared brings Jensen close, hand gripping Jensen’s neck, hair wet with sweat under his fingers, and their lips brush against each other, needing to have a contact, while they move faster, panting into each other mouths, skin getting tighter as they drive each other insane, getting higher with each thrust.   
  
Jared whimpers when Jensen shifts his hand to close around Jared’s cock, and Jensen bites Jared’s jaw, mumbling “Jared, Jared,” and Jared goes blind as everything whitens out.   
  
Jensen’s pace stutters, and he kisses Jared’s cheek, mouth locked on his skin, when he shakes hard and comes.   
  
Jensen collapses on top of him, and Jared opens his eyes to bring Jensen close and tries to recall how to breathe properly.   
  
  
  
  
  
The alarm clock goes off at 8AM, and Jared’s hand fumbles for the snooze button.   
  
Jared opens his eyes to find Jensen lightly snoring next to him, and Jared lies still, smile breaking to the surface. He watches Jensen.   
  
It is still overwhelming that it was all in his head, just the thoughts he kept to himself, and now, the borders are erased and it is out in the open. He can reach out and touch it.   
  
Jared leans to drop light kisses across Jensen’s freckled spine, the proof of reality confirmed by the warm and salty skin under his lips making him a bit dizzy.   
  
The next moment, Jensen’s body is tensing; Jared can feel the tension in Jensen’s body muscles under his mouth.   
  
“Hey,” Jared swiftly moves to breathe out into the Jensen’s neck, and Jensen immediately relaxes, burying his body into the mattress and mumbling something incoherent into the pillow.    
  
“What?” Jared smiles, manhandling Jensen onto his back, placing both hands on Jensen’s chest.   
  
Jensen cracks his eyes open and fails at hiding a smile, “Chad must be missing you terribly. Go and join the army of honest workers, you impossible morning person.”    
  
“Well, _some_ of us have work to do.” Jared points out, grinning, and bends to kiss Jensen’s skin between his shoulder and neck, right above his collarbone.   
  
“Yeah, yeah,” Jensen waves his hand uncaringly, “Go earn some money and bring me some pancakes. Topped with strawberries.”    
  
“What else?” Jared hides his huge smile in Jensen’s neck.    
  
“Coffee. Lots of coffee.” Jensen sighs dreamily, and Jared lets out a short laugh, thinking he will burst with all the emotions that keep bubbling up inside him.    
  
“Or–,” Jared pulls away to smirks suggestively at Jensen.    
  
“Or?” Jensen frowns, suspecting a cheat.    
  
Jared leans down to give a sloppy kiss to Jensen’s flat stomach and then, he moves lower, eyes fixed intently on Jensen’s.    
  
Jared’s lips close around the head of Jensen’s dick, and Jensen gasps before commenting weakly, “or you can do that”.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared is late to work.    
  
He steps inside the morgue, murmuring some song under his breath, and Chad looks up at him with. “Is that Katie Perry’s _Hot’n’cold_?”   
  
“Umm,” Jared pauses to roll back the words in his head, “I guess.”    
  
Chad looks at him with suspicion, “You’re glowing. Are you pregnant?”    
  
“Yes, congrats on becoming an uncle! And don’t plan anything for the next nine months, I’m gonna need your help with carrying a baby and all.”    
  
Chad gives him an inquisitive look, savored with notes of hope in his voice, “Jensen? You two are good now?”    
  
Jared smiles brightly in answer and steps up to crush Chad in a hug.    
  
Chad pats him on the shoulder a bit awkwardly before attempting to push him away, grumbling, “Okay, okay, as your Fairy Godmother, I’m proud of you, Cinderella. Now please, keep your disgustedly happy face out of the office. Our clients won’t manage to share the joy with you.”    
  
Jared lets Chad go and pouts at him, “No dancing then? I was planning to honor you with my happy dance.”    
  
Chad gives him a very expressive middle finger, and Jared shakes in head is disappointment, “We need to work on your _‘I’m not worthy’_ gestures.”   
  
Chad sullenly points his hand towards the crypt, and Jared jokingly salutes him and follows after.    
  
“Okay, what kind of presents have you prepared for me?” Jared asks, stepping inside the crypt, putting his arm around Chad’s shoulders and squeezing.    
  
“The best ones.” Chad grumbles, trying to shake Jared’s hand off and sighing, giving up, when it has no effect.    
  
Jared catches sight of the paper on the forensic table in the middle of the crypt, and jumps to grab it, eyes scrolling through the lines. “What is this? Those people are not naked, and they don’t belong to _Marvel_. What’s in them for you?”   
  
Chad glares at Jared and snags the paper out of Jared’s grip, holding it against his chest and smoothing non-wrinkled paper surfaces gently, “Don’t look at it with your judge-y eyes.”    
  
“There is an article about deaths in Boston highlighted in _pink_. Why are you even reading this? Don’t we have enough of it at work?” Jared looks doubtfully at Chad, hand absentmindedly rubbing his ear.   
  
“Some strange virus is killing people. I need to learn more about our future clients.”    
  
Jared scrunches his nose, “Doesn’t that sound morbid to you?”    
  
“Whatever, bastard.” Chad sounds insulted and turns to pull out the drawers one by one, stating the facts.    
  
“George Kendrix, 38, asphyxiation. Time of death is approximately 6PM. Lena Maercer, 43, heart attack, 2PM. Kenneth Branstok, 31, car accident, 11AM.”    
  
The last guy shifts, and Jared’s breath hitches. Everything was going so well that it tricked Jared into believing re-writing days won’t happen in the near future.    
  
The guy opens his mouth, breath coming out in a fog.    
  
Chad gasps in shock, but Jared’s mind is too occupied to pay attention to him. Chad will forget it, he always does.   
  
“Please don’t,” Jared begs the guy silently. “Not yesterday.”    
  
“Help me!” The whispered words leave the guy’s mouth, and Jared takes a step back in desperation.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared wakes up in his bed, jerking his eyes open, hand blindly catching empty space beside him.    
  
“Jensen,” is the first name in his head while he is supposed to think about the victim’s.   
  
Jared slowly sits up, trying to recollect his thoughts and puts his head into direction of saving that Kenneth guy, resting his chin on his knees.    
  
But thoughts of Jensen come first and Jared’s head is messy and disoriented, not willing to postpone fixing things with Jensen.    
  
Jared throws his head back against the pillow. He is determined to re-write the day the way it was, go back to the initial script with Jensen.    
  
There’s a tug in Jared’s heart, suspicion that things might not go the way he experienced before, but Jared doesn’t let that maddening thought linger.    
  
  
  
  
  
Across the hall, Jensen wakes up with a gasp, jerking up upright, he fixes his gaze on a pillow next to him, eyes sad for a moment before his gaze turns cold and detached.    
  
  
  
  
  
Jared knocks on Jensen’s door out of sheer politeness before using his key to open it.    
  
Jared checks all the rooms, but the apartment is empty and there’s no post-it note on the fridge informing Jared of where Jensen is. It’s like stepping into an alarming and unfamiliar territory, a changed world where their mutual agreement of informing the other where they are is not relevant. Worry starts to get hold of Jared.    
  
He pulls out his cell phone and dials Jensen’s number, biting his lips nervously. Jensen doesn’t answer, and after a few rings, it goes to his voice mail.    
  
Jared gives up after six calls and writes a message, “Jensen, where are you? We need to talk. It’s important.”    
  
Jared’s heart is heavy, and his head is some sort of maelstrom when he leaves Jensen’s apartment.    
  
  
  
  
  
Kenneth Branstok is a nice guy who lives in the suburbs with his lovely wife and convincing him to stay at home is pretty easy as he informs them – flashing fake police badge in their faces and smiling kindly like he’s their best friend – that some crazy guy ran away from the mental hospital and he could be lurking around, and _please, guys, can you stay at home for a few hours?_   
  
Still, Jared parks his car in front of the house and waits, just keeping an eye. Time is dragging by and it’s almost 11AM. When it’s all over, Jared will allow himself to concentrate fully on Jensen, as he’s not answering his phone, and only Jared’s new case keeps him from working himself into a panic.   
  
Suddenly, there’s some grinding noise and woman screams, and Jared has a feeling that something just went terribly wrong.   
  
He throws himself out of the car, running around the house, and Kenneth is lying on the pavement, bloody, in front of the truck, while the driver explains to Kenneth’s wife, who tries to bring her husband back by CPR, that the guy practically jumped in front of his car, running like crazy.   
  
“He wasn’t supposed to leave home,” Jared says dumbly falling down on the black road next to Kenneth’s wife.    
  
She sobs and touches her husband’s lips with her own, “He’s got a call from someone and run off through the backdoor.”    
  
Jared checks Kenneth’s pulse when she hopefully asks, “Will he be alright?”   
  
Jared feels sick to his stomach.    
  
  
  
  
  
Jared doesn’t remember how he gets home.    
  
There’s too much mess in his head, thoughts drifting and not one of them makes sense, and Jared is not strong enough to erase it all. He needs one thing that is consistent and right and will keep him from losing his mind.    
  
He knows he has it but still, it feels tenuous until he gets proof from Jensen.    
  
Jared pushes open Jensen’s door and is faced with Jensen sitting on the couch who turns off TV the minute he sees Jared, face full of sorry, “Hey, I got your calls. Sorry, I couldn’t answer. My friend found me a new project I’ll be working on.”    
  
Jared silently shakes his head in answer, dismissing Jensen’s apologies.    
  
It all seems irrelevant now. Jared looks at Jensen, feeling worn out and fragile while leaning on the wall for support for one numb moment before he pushes himself off and moves toward the couch.    
  
“That’s not even close to what’s bothering me.” Jared starts tiredly, rubbing his temples as he comes to stand beside the couch and uses it for support as he rests his hand on the back. “Someone died in front of me today. Someone I should have saved.”    
  
Jensen’s face turns sympathetic, not pitiful, and Jared is grateful, he is, but it’s not enough.    
  
“I don’t have time for screwing around, Jensen.” His voice starts wavering. “I need you to tell me we’re good. I need you to assure me we are together, because we are. I love you.” Jared’s voice breaks.    
  
He takes a sharp inhale before continuing.    
  
“Jensen,” Jared’s voice somehow turns to whisper, in heavy silence his words sounding louder than he intends, “Please, tell me that you feel it. This. Us. You told me before.” He takes a pause, images of yesterday playing in his head. Jared’s eyes start watering, and he closes them for a moment, voice getting stronger. ”Don’t ask me, you just did. And I really need to hear it now. Please! I need it so badly.”    
  
Jensen climbs off of the couch and comes to stand close, putting his hand on Jared’s cheek. Jared leans into the touch and closes his eyes. He hopes it is enough, his strength is slipping away.    
  
Jensen takes Jared’s wrist in another hand and says quietly, voice deep and full of remorse, “I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry it hurts you. I’m sorry.” His knuckles brush Jared’s cheek. “You look tired, Jared. Let me put you to bed, okay?”    
  
“No,” Jared jerks his hand out of Jensen’s grasp, leaning to look right into Jensen’s eyes, putting his pain and shock up for display, “You don’t get to give it to me and then steal it away. Who does that, Jensen?”    
  
Jared watches for every shift in Jensen’s cold green eyes before Jensen looks away, “You don’t make sense, Jared.”   
  
Jared sees Jensen’s lips moving, but Jared has no clue what is he talking about. Jared jerks away as if he was slapped and backs away until his back hits a wall.   
  
His chest tightens, and how come Jensen is always a reason of it? It seems unfair.    
  
He presses the heels of his hands against his eyes, not willing to watch Jensen, voice wrecked when he asks, “Why?”   
  
There’s just silence, and Jared pulls away his shaky hands to watch Jensen. Jensen looks pale, hand clutching onto the couch. Jared wonders how they got so damaged that he can’t see a starting point.   
  
Jensen sounds grave as he repeats, “Let me put you to bed, okay?”   
  
“No”, Jared whispers, straightening his shoulders and putting as much space as he possibly can between Jensen and himself.   
  
He quietly shuts the door behind himself.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared stands in front of his wide open window and looks into the distance.    
  
It’s getting dark, air enveloping him in coldness. Jared quivers a bit, embracing himself, but standing out there in the open makes it easy to pretend he’s free of every emotion.    
  
  
  
  
  
The next day, Chad drags a gloomy Jared to the nearest bar where Jared sits sullenly for a half of an hour, looking into space and not talking (which is not how Chad expected this night to turn out), before he unexpectedly throws down three shots of whiskey, obviously setting his mind on drinking until he drops dead.    
  
Jared’s hand is reaching for a forth shot when he comes to conclusion that Chad is the best listener and adviser he had in his life.    
  
“Did you ever forget that you loved someone?” Jared starts out of nowhere. Chad considers his answer, frowning into his beer, when Jared continues, “Does it sound conceivable to you?” Jared swallows down the shot and winces. “Not that he didn’t have a chance to forget. He did.”    
  
Chad keeps silence while Jared looks down at now empty glass, looking unhappy and defeated. “If the day disappears, do you forget your feelings?”    
  
Chad is straining his ears to hear Jared over the noise of the bar, but he has a feeling Jared is not aiming to be heard.    
  
“I don’t know, Jared,” he gives an honest answer, and Jared jerks his head to stare at Chad with an intensity that makes him want to bolt out of the booth.    
  
“Not his fault then?” Jared’s voice rises to deliver his anger, and Chad has a suspicion Jared himself is a target. “When you tell someone that you love him, make sure you can repeat it after. There’s no do-over.” Jared gives him a cold stare before leaning back against his seat, lips curled in disdain.    
  
When the waitress passes by them, Jared signals her for another shot and Chad shoots him a worried look.    
  
One hour later, Chad excuses himself to go to the bathroom and dials Jensen’s phone number.    
  
Jensen’s _hello_ suspiciously sounds like he’s not in the good mood either.   
  
Chad scowls, it seems like his lips are in a permanent shape of a tight line because of those two, "Jensen, I don't know what happened between you two, but your better half is drinking himself into an early grave, and I'm not that strong to make him stop. Besides, he's your responsibility, even though you are the reason he is acting like there won’t be tomorrow. So,” Chad presses defiantly, “Come now, I’ll message you the address."    
  
He ends the call; there’s nothing else to say.    
  
  
  
  
  
Not surprisingly so, it takes Jensen half of an hour to get to the place, even though it's, at least, a 40 minute drive.    
Chad greets Jensen on the doorsteps of the bar leaving Jared to have a conversation with another whisky shot, "I hope you didn't drive over some poor bastard. I told you he was drunk, not dying. Overreacted much?"    
  
Jensen gives him a blank stare in answer, looking disinterested, and Chad can bet that Jared will receive a more expressive reaction.    
  
Jensen follows Chad until they're in front of their booth, Jared is practically sprawled out over the table, resting his cheek against the wooden surface, face turned to the empty glass he is having a sharing and caring moment with, "I wasn’t planning on it. Nobody plans to fall in love.”   
  
Chad feels uncomfortable and out of place.    
  
He coughs loudly and intends to put his hand on Jared's shoulder, but he is suddenly acutely aware of Jensen's intense gaze on his hand, which leads to him awkwardly jerking it back even before he realizes it. "C'mon, Jared, you even make our booze miserable. Your boyfriend is here to get you home."    
  
Which is accompanied by Jensen's unreadable stare and Jared's hissing, "What?"    
  
Jared glares at Chad, deliberately ignoring Jensen. “The hell?”    
  
"Whichever, you pick," Chad shrugs non-caringly, “And keep your domestic quarrels out of the bar, you embarrass me.”    
  
Jensen doesn’t say a word as he bends down to heave Jared up, arms hooked under his armpits, while Jared ineffectively tries to shrug him off, putting a worried expression on Jensen's face.   
  
Jensen starts murmuring something in Jared’s ear, and Jared is fighting less.    
  
Chad is pretty sure this is not bro's behavior, but he is not willing to give them a memo on that.    
  
"I'll drive him home now," Jensen informs Chad, both hands around Jared, who is very loudly revealing to Jensen's neck what a _bad_ person Jensen is.   
  
Man, Jared has a very wide range of synonyms for a word "asshole".    
  
Chad is impressed, but Jensen doesn't even seem slightly concerned that everyone who passes them gets a pretty expressive picture of Jensen being the worst scum walking the earth.    
  
"Do you need a lift?" Jensen asks Chad, and receives short “no” in answer.    
  
That satisfies Jensen as he turns around and leaves, holding Jared like he is made of glass.    
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen is covering a sleepy Jared with a comforter when he mumbles, “I wish I’d get tired of loving you.”    
  
Jensen freezes for a moment, his hands seeming intrusive on Jared’s body, and he answers bitterly, “I’m not a good guy, Jared.”    
  
But Jared is already asleep.    
  
Jensen sits on Jared’s bed, and when Jared’s persistent nightmare hits him twenty minutes after, Jensen is there to take care of it.    
  
Jensen has gotten used to Jared’s nightmares. He asked about them once, and Jared reluctantly told him that there’s an unknown, dark figure chasing him in his dreams. Jared got sullen, and this condition on Jared was bothering, so Jensen didn’t press further and never mentioned that Jensen knows a cure for nightmares – explaining algorithms to a sleeping Jared until his breathing evens out.    
  
This time, Jensen speaks about approximation algorithms.    
  
  
  
  
  
For the next two weeks, they play a game of _how to effectively avoid a person_ , stumbling across each other in the stairwell and granting each other with fake smiles and small talk before rushing in opposite directions.   
  
Jared finds out that there are some places he’d better avoid.    
  
When his car passes the street with the book store and pet store they visited together, he has to park his car to breathe heavily in the silence and remind himself that _he’s okay, he’ll get over it_.   
  
Jared doesn’t like listening to the radio anymore, every stupid singer deciding that love should be the main object of the lyrics. It seems pathetic.    
  
Jared starts taking evening walks in the park. It calms him down, and he doesn’t have to pretend he likes to smile when there’s no one around to fake it for.    
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen finds it hard to talk to anyone. He never fancied idea of socializing, but now, he prefers to stay indoors and order in.    
  
He has his job, and he knows what to do when it comes to his job.    
  
He holds onto this knowledge.    
  
  
  
  
  
One day, things change.    
  
One day, Jared is supposed to save Katie Brent.    
  
Katie is six years old, and she died because she chocked on a fish bone.    
  
Jared notices her golden curls and blue eyes when she asks for help in a tiny voice, and Jared’s heart aches and there’s no way he won’t save her.    
  
On the rewritten day, the clock strikes 5PM and Katie’s supposed to stop breathing, but instead, she smiles at Jared sweetly, saved.    
  
Katie is fine, and there’s no danger at all, and Jared gets invited into the house. He sits behind the round dinner table with a family, a small smile on his lips because he is still worth something.    
  
Katie’s father gets a call, and excuses himself to answer. When he’s back, he’s different; he fumes and throws Jared out of the house, not listening to him.    
  
Jared blinks at the closed door and starts ringing the bell stubbornly. He hears cries and screams behind the door, and he rams the door with his shoulder.    
  
Few attempts after, Jared breaks the door lock, rushing to see the kid, but Katie is not breathing anymore, and her father screams at him, pushing, hitting him on the chest before he collapses on the floor, crying helplessly.    
  
Jared stands there frozen for a few minutes, the family’s pain squeezing air out of him. He is supposed to save her. It’s the only thing he’s a good at – saving people. _What has he done?_   
  
He leaves their house and walks without any direction.    
  
Later, Jared finds himself standing in the middle of Jensen’s apartment.    
  
Jensen perks his head out of the kitchen, and immediately steps out of it, face turning worried the minute he sees Jared, Jared looks back helplessly, tears in his eyes.    
  
When Jensen cradles his face, tilting Jared’s head to touch his forehead with dry lips, Jared’s lips tremble.    
  
Jensen hugs him tightly, arms firm on Jared’s body, and Jared mumbles, looking at Jensen with a sad smile, “Do you think I’m worth something?”    
  
Jensen inhales a sharp breath through clenched teeth, tone not accepting any objection, “You’re worth everything, Jared.”    
  
They spend the night on Jensen’s bed with Jared being held tightly in Jensen’s arms, Jared’s head in the crook of Jensen’s neck.    
  
Jensen tells Jared a fairy tale of a young prince with a big heart who was too good for this world, trying to save people’s bodies and souls, and even if the body could not be saved, their souls were.    
  
Jared cries quietly and tries to believe him.


	5. Chapter 5

They find a fragile surface they can navigate their feelings on, and Jared can deal with that. Having Jensen around, even in small doses, is the best thing in his life. And Jared is selfish like this, he will keep every piece he’s allowed to and won’t share.   
  
Sometimes though, sometimes, it gets difficult. When this heart-wrenching sadness comes to remind of itself, tagging along the memories of what they once had, cutting him from inside, Jared can’t find enough air to breathe.   
  
He wonders if that perfect world existed only in his imagination.   
  
When it happens, Jared spends the night alone, burying himself under the covers and reminds himself how to breathe.   
  
  
  
  
  
One morning, Jared is suspiciously eyeing the coffee machine at the office, contemplating if a fourth cup of coffee in two hours can be considered reasonable when Chad announces the arrival of another client and goes to get the body.   
  
Before he leaves, he points his finger at Jared sternly, “And stop drinking coffee, it’s not good for that red thing in your chest. Do you know how many heart attack clients we have here? They’re hissing with indignation at you.”   
  
“They just envy me,” Jared yells at his back, the coffee decision made.   
  
Jared joins Chad later, with a plastic cup of coffee in his hand, coming closer to check on the victim on the forensic table, body covered in a sheet, “Okay, who is our guy?”   
  
“The girl,” Chad corrects him and pulls the cover off. Jared is close enough to see her, to recognize her. “One of those virus victims, Julie Tate.”   
  
Jared freezes, realization sinking in and making his stomach drop.   
  
He looks down at the body numbly, brain trying to process the information.   
  
“How is that possible?” Jared finally manages to say quietly.   
  
He starts shaking, breathing shallowly, not able to control it, and his coffee spills on the floor.   
  
“It is some kind of flu virus or something. It’s up for the coroner to investigate and find out.” Chad shrugs and glances at Jared, “What?”   
  
Jared’s thoughts shut him out from the world.   
  
_It is inconsistent. He saved her, right? What is she doing here? Is he supposed to save her again? She should not be dead!_   
  
Jared’s free hand starts rubbing his temple in frustration as he looks down at Julie and waits for her to open her eyes. _She should._   
  
He waits and she doesn’t.   
  
Chad frowns at him and Jared ignores him completely.   
  
Instead, Jared closes his eyes to let the events make sense in his head.   
  
Some irritating thought is drilling in the back of his mind, and Jared catches the end of it to unwind it.   
  
_Chad told them about other victims. She is not the first victim of the virus. What about the others? Who were the others?_   
  
Jared concentrates on the case and tries to get rid of the image of Julie and her father with Julie’s words ringing in his ears, “ _What’s the worst thing that could have happened?_ ”   
  
Chad touches his elbow and Jared startles, looking up at Chad with blank stare, becoming aware of his presence.   
  
“I knew her.” Jared admits, eyes glassy.   
  
“Shit! I’m sorry.” Chad pats his hand, eyes sympathized. “I’m sure there’s nothing anyone could do. It’s a virus. We can only–”   
  
“Can you back me up today?” Jared interrupts him, face inscrutable.   
  
“What?” Chad frowns.   
  
“I need to be somewhere else.” Jared cuts out.   
  
Chad gives him an uncertain shrug of his shoulders, and Jared takes it as affirmation, running out of the morgue and throwing the cup into a garbage can on his way out.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared spends next three hours on the couch in his living room surfing on-line, victims’ profiles popping up onto his screen, just a picture and basic information on the person’s life.   
  
For Jared, every picture holds a story, a part of his own life.   
  
He saved each one of them, and they were supposed to keep on breathing, keep on living. Jared gave them their lives back. But now, each one of them is dead. Every single one.   
  
Jared sucks in a breath and keeps going through the pictures, fingers clicking the mouse, eyes scanning every picture and memorizing it.   
  
He closes his eyes when he gets dizzy, starting to rub the tiredness out of them. Abruptly, there are voices in his head, urgent whispers, “ _Help me_!” forcing him to open his eyes wide open and jerk in shock.   
  
  
  
  
  
When things go wrong, there’s only one place for Jared to go.   
  
Jared opens Jensen’s apartment and calls for him, voice tight, marching through the rooms, but Jensen is nowhere in sight.   
  
Jared checks the fridge for any post-it note Jensen could left him, but there’s only an old one, “We are out of milk, Jared. Give it a delicate thought.”   
  
Jared looks at the note, considering the possibility of Jensen going out for milk, when there’s some rustling sound in the living room, and Jared rushes to find a thick yellow envelope on the floor slipped under the door by someone.   
  
There’s only one word printed in the middle of the envelope in uppercase letters, _JARED_.   
  
Jared swings open the door to the silence of the hall. He pauses and then, moves hastily, checking the stairs, head jerking up and down, but there’s not even a sound. Whoever was there has disappeared.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared goes back into Jensen’s apartment, turning the envelope in his hands before opening it, heart beating loudly.   
  
There is a folded letter inside, and two small envelopes that slip out onto Jared’s palm.   
Jared reads a letter first, scanning the handwriting.  
  


“ _I think you should be informed of the things in your life that are controlled by others._

_There’s a key card in the first envelope that will open the door to an apartment you might find yourself interested in. You’ll find an address there as well._

_You need to get into apartment 507. I want you to take part in the conversation that will be held there by two specific people. Considering that you are the subject of this conversation, you won’t be bored._

_One of those guys will give you the answers to your saving-lives-destiny. Remarkably, he is well known to you. You will find a picture of him in the second envelope._

_This is one of the surprises I prepared for you, Jared._

_This is only for you. Don’t tell me I never did anything good for you_.”  
 

  
Jared finds the card and address in the first envelope, frowning down at them.  
   
When he opens the second envelope, the candid picture of his father is slipping through his fingers, and Jared watches it float down to the floor, face pale.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared parks the car and slips out, eyes warily scanning the surroundings. The building looks high-tech, almost business center style, and Jared is positive that the apartment he intends to enter costs more than his and Jensen’s flats combined.  
  
The doorman opens the door to him, “good day, sir”, and Jared swallows the lump in his throat and nods confidently, “thank you, you, too”.   
  
He doesn’t know where he’s going, and it’s certainly not some wedding party to crash, but he left a note with an address for Jensen pinned to the fridge under a magnet, with an instruction to ‘ _learn about this place only if I’ve gone missing for more than one day and please be careful and do NOT to go there by yourself under any circumstances_!’   
  
Jared was contemplating calling Jensen, but he obviously had been under someone’s radar, and Jensen is the last person Jared wants to drag into a situation that just screams ‘ _danger_ ’.   
  
It might be a trap, but Jared has a handgun tucked into the back of his jeans, a present from Megan because ‘ _I won’t let my brother go off half-cocked on his life saving missions_ ’.   
  
People keep dying, and Jared desperately needs some answers, especially if his father is involved. He never trusted the man, and if he has to use a gun against him, he will.   
  
Jared takes the elevator. Every limb in his body is tense and controlled, and Jared’s skin tightens, preparing for the worst, the gun a comfortable weight at his back.   
  
He exits into the hall, eyeing it warily, and walks carefully until he spots the right door.   
  
Jared’s eyes are fixed on the apartment number, _507_ , as he sets his jaw.   
  
He looks around for a moment, not hearing a sound. Jared slowly pulls out the key card, holding his breath to make less noise.   
  
When he carefully pushes open the door, he hears two different voices talking.  
  
And he recognizes both of them.   
  
Jared’s gut twists painfully, but he steps right into the mess his life has become.   
  
“Well,” Jared starts solemnly, swinging door open with a bang and walking in, facing Jensen and his father, “If this isn’t a happy family reunion, I don’t know what is.”   
  
He eyes them both with a raptor’s gaze; his skin feels hot as a rage boils inside him.   
  
They both turn to look at him, having the same blank expression, holding to their composure.   
  
“Go on. Don’t stop on my account.” Jared says coldly, making a hand gesture, kindly allowing them to continue.   
“Chief Ray, I will handle it from here. Can you please leave the two of us alone?” Jared has Jensen’s full attention, but it never tasted so bitter.   
  
“Chief Ray?” Jared raises his eyebrows and drawls mockingly, smirking at his father. ”I see. I guess Gerald is too sleek for you, and you decided to go with your middle name. Just call him Gerry, Jensen. Doesn’t Gerry suit your two-faced nature, father?”   
  
Gerald keeps silent, his face completely void of emotion, and Jared wants to break this pristine composure.   
  
“And Gerry isn’t going anywhere,” Jared pulls the gun out of his jeans with a smile on his lips, setting his father as the target. “Some answers are required, father. Please share.”   
  
Gerald regards him speculatively for moment before a crooked smile appears on his lips. “Like mother, like son.”  
  
Jared’s mouth twitches into a grim smirk as his father continues, “You can’t just go on with your lives, letting the world tick the way it should. Why bother to save the lives that are gone, that have to be gone for the world to keep going the way it should be? Destiny? Vanity? Glory? Do you know it yourself?”   
  
Jared pointedly ignores his words, “You two seem pretty tight. Can I join your club? Or it is only for cool kids?”  
  
Jared keeps looking at his father the whole time Gerald talks, while feeling Jensen’s intense gaze on his skin, “We keep tabs on people like you. Make sure you don’t ruin the course of nature. There a few people like us who can track you, stepping up with you into the re-written day and make sure it goes the way it has to, fixing your fails.”   
Jared’s neck prickles. He allows himself a moment of silence, realization sinking it, latest events starting to make frightful sense, making him want to hurl. Instead, Jared holds to his mask.   
  
He turns to face Jensen, his voice is deliberately calm when he speaks, “What about 6-year-old Katie, Jensen? How was _she_ standing in a way of your perfect world that you called her father and let a child die?”   
  
“She will be missed, but the world was not damaged, I fixed a gap.” Jensen says begrudgingly.   
  
“A gap?” Jared gasps.   
  
He remembers _his_ Jensen comforting him, holding him and fixing his wounds, being sad and compassionate. _Who is this guy_?   
  
Something in Jensen’s gaze shifts, but Jared can’t read him. Doesn’t know how to read this stranger. “I know you don’t understand it, but this is how things should be. You don’t know what happens to people who are back from the grave. They might have changed. The person they were is dead.” He sounds earnest and secure in his belief, and Jared tightens his grip on the gun, trying not to give himself away. He wants to shake Jensen hard, slam him against the wall and fuck him until he’s a trembling mess for Jared to force him into his way of thinking.   
  
He sneers at the words, “You actually believe that? Or it is what helps you sleep at night?”   
  
Jensen tightens his jaw and turns to Jared’s father. “Sir, can I be left alone with Jared?”   
  
“He is the one who has a gun pointed at me,” Gerald points out.   
  
“With all due respect, sir, I don’t see how this is considered as an obstacle to _you_ ,” there’s a slight demand to his tone, and they look at each other, having some silent conversation that ends with Gerald miraculously deciding to leave without any remark, not looking at anyone, face tight, with Jared’s gun following him out.   
  
The sound of shut door does the trick.   
  
The fury, vehemence, and hurt Jared was keeping inside are now running through his veins, making his skin boil and his body tremble.   
  
Jared lunches to press his body against Jensen’s, pressing gun under his chin, spitting out the words that have been running in his head since the moment he walked into the room, voice wavering, “You were fucking with me right from the start?”   
  
Jensen flinches, and Jared watches his Adam’s apple move as he swallows, but he still looks at Jared with determination, voice stubborn, “Don’t take that personally. It’s my job. It has nothing to do with you.”   
  
Jared can’t breathe the same air as him, Jensen is suffocating. Jared pulls away slightly, barrel of gun not changing its place.   
  
He looks into Jensen’s green eyes with disbelief, and he doesn’t find even a hint of regret.   
  
Jared’s control slips away. “You used me like I’m trash, and it has nothing to do with me?” He screams in outbreak, hurt making his voice tremble.   
  
Jensen keeps silence, mouth screwed in discomfort as if he wants to be anywhere but here. As if Jared is the one being unreasonable here.   
  
Jared can’t stop watching him, can’t believe the betrayal, still trying to find _his_ Jensen. He bites inside of his mouth and screams, “It has everything to do with me. You were spying on me, lying all this time, letting me believe you don’t remember a thing from _that_ day. You let those people get killed. You–”   
  
He stops, gasping, air leaving him. Jared takes a step back, pulling down his gun as he rubs his left hand across his face, voice quieting down, “How could you?”   
  
“That wasn’t my intention.” Jensen tries to keep his voice calm and neutral, but there’s steel seeping into his voice. Anger, so much anger and despair, and hurt. It comes from Jared, but it affects Jensen, threatening his composure and twisting the words he planned to say. “You were acting immature. Not in this line of work. Don’t blame me for your mistakes. You can’t mess with the natural order.”   
  
“Spare me the details. What do _you_ know about the natural order?” Jared hisses, anger and pain making his eyes sting, and he presses his hand to cover his eyes for a moment.   
  
“I know who should live and who should not. I know the day I’m supposed not to.” He sounds business-like, detached, and Jared wants to hit him.   
  
He looks at Jensen, not able to take in all the information that already destroys him bit by bit.   
  
“How soon will it be?” Jared asks numbly, eyeing Jensen, building an indifferent facade.   
  
“You’ll be pleased.” Jensen answers flatly.   
  
Jared tilts his face to the side and leans forward to watch Jensen closely, catching an image of himself in Jensen’s irises.   
  
Jensen fights to keep his eyes open. Jared watches him carefully when he brushes his lips over Jensen’s, their eyes wide open.   
  
Jensen swallows hard but stands still.   
  
“I’ll make sure to turn your life into hell before you leave.” Jared whispers before he resigns, straightening his shoulders, and not bothering to close the door on his way out.   
  
Jensen stands frozen on the spot.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared sits in his car, looking ahead numbly, not seeing a thing. He can’t wrap his head around how things should work from now on. He feels as if he spent a few years in that apartment. He’s changed, the world has changed. Nothing in his life makes sense anymore; he’s only left with lies and pain.   
  
He can turn it into anger easily.   
  
Jared’s mind scans the last few months, examining every little detail stored into his memory under Jensen’s label to find the gaps he missed. Everything is flawless, clean and shiny, perfectly-polished lies for Jared to be fooled and let Jensen under his skin.   
  
Jared made a promise to Jensen. He plans to keep it.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen wakes up the next day to Jared pinning him to bed, “Hello, gorgeous. Missed me?”   
  
“Fuck off,” Jensen bucks his hips, and Jared pins him down harder, “You were always good with your moves, but let’s try something new.”   
  
Jensen opens his mouth to say something else, but Jared sucks a bruise into his collarbone and licks it, nibbling at the skin which ends with Jensen letting out a shaky breath before he moans brokenly.   
  
Jared pulls away to look into Jensen’s green eyes, chewing on his lower lip thoughtfully, eyes dark, “Let’s set some rules, Jensen. I’m not gonna rape you, not gonna force you into something you don’t want. I’m not that guy, you know this. But there’s something I want from you and it is something you are willing to give me of your own accord, so I came to take what’s _mine_.” He emphasizes the last word by grinding down into Jensen, pressing their cocks together.   
  
Jensen lets out an uncontrollable choked out sound, breathing hard, and Jared leans to licks Jensen’s upper lip, tugging gently, before he whispers against his lips, “If you don’t want it, all you have to say is _no_.”   
  
Jared pulls up to watch Jensen carefully, trying to read his every thought, thighs purposely not even brushing, and he doesn’t miss the disappointed look Jensen fails at hiding.   
  
Jensen looks back at him defiantly and says nothing, setting his chin up and pressing his lips into a hard line. _Stubborn bastard_.   
  
Jared smirks and obtrusively shoves his hand down Jensen’s shorts to stroke Jensen’s half-hard dick.   
  
“You–,” Jensen hisses angrily, surprised and pissed, but his hips are pushing into Jared’s hand, so it doesn’t seem relevant.   
  
“Were you complaining?” Jared grins and uses his free hand to pull down Jensen’s shorts, while he slides slowly down Jensen’s body; Jensen doesn’t seem to be considering pushing Jared off anymore.   
  
Jared laps at Jensen’s dick experimentally, from the base to the head, and back, and Jensen makes a low grunt in his throat while Jared’s hands pull up and part Jensen’s legs. Jensen starts trembling when Jared’s fingers find his hole, and Jared drops open-mouthed kisses to the inside of his thigh.   
  
“I’ll take care of you. You know I will.” Jared says, sincere and convincing, Jensen’s body is a taut line for a few seconds before he relaxes. Come to think of it, Jensen has no reason to not trust Jared, but Jared is not willing to think about that at the moment, trying to shut off his hurt and bleeding heart.   
  
Jared’s lips close around the crown of Jensen’s cock, tongue pressing into the slit, while his fingers play with Jensen’s balls, tugging lightly and enjoying the little gasps Jensen makes. Jared circles the underside of the head with his tongue, fingers moving to slide down the shaft, listening to the chocked sounds Jensen makes before Jared relaxes his jaw and goes down on him, sucking hard and tight.   
  
Jensen is trusting into Jared’s mouth, cursing, hitting the back of his throat when Jared’s fingers start stretching his hole. Jared pulls his fingers out to put them in his mouth along with Jensen’s cock, sucking determinedly and Jensen gasps, shaking.   
  
Jared removes his fingers and prods back into Jensen’s hole, letting them slide easily inside Jensen.   
  
Jensen sobs Jared’s name, and Jared is so hard he’s losing his mind.   
  
Jared pulls away – ignoring Jensen’s unhappy cry – to move up and kiss Jensen on the lips, dirty and rough, sharing spit and precome, his eyes half-open to watch Jensen while he nibbles on Jensen’s lower lip until it’s red and bruised. “That’s better.”   
  
Jensen’s eyes are dark, full of want and promises, his face is flush and pink, and Jared has to look away, afraid that he’ll say or do something stupid.   
  
He hates himself, and he loves Jensen. This is not how things should be.   
  
Jared closes his eyes and moves down Jensen’s body. Jared’s fingers collect precome from the slit to push into Jensen’s hole, two fingers fucking him with sharp movements, and Jensen shakes furiously.   
  
“Please,” Jared looks up to watch Jensen’s mouth.   
  
“What was that?” Jared demands. Jensen licks his lips and weakly repeats, “Please, Jared.”   
  
Jensen looks open and vulnerable, similar to how Jared’s Jensen was in rare moments, allowing only Jared witness him this way. And Jared was never able to refuse _his_ Jensen anything.  
  
Jared bends down to kiss Jensen’s cheek, memories of Jensen’s lips locked on his cheek make him linger longer than necessary, but bitterness tugs at his heart as well, and Jared shakes his head and shifts to navigate his dick into Jensen’s hole while gripping Jensen’s cock to jack him with firm, harsh strokes, twisting his wrist.   
  
Jared has the head of his dick caught on rim of Jensen’s hole, thrusting shallowly inside of Jensen, just past the first ring of muscles, while Jensen bucks into Jared’s hand and sobs helplessly for more. Not getting enough of Jared. _Greedy bastard. Always wanting everything and taking more than Jared is willing to give. But not anymore_.  
  
Jared jacks Jensen faster, intently watching him coming apart in front of Jared’s eyes.   
  
Jensen cries, “I– Please–”, not managing to finish the sentence as Jared bites at the underside of his knee. Jensen gasps and comes, trembling furiously.   
  
“Jared,” he sighs, eyes heavy and hooded. Jared closes his eyes and pretends not to notice.   
  
Jared leans to lick the beads of sweat and come of Jensen’s stomach, biting hard enough to leave a purple bruise, and thrusts a few more times before he shudders, crushing apart. Jared lets himself have a moment of closeness with Jensen, overwhelmed with feelings, before he pulls out of Jensen to lie beside him, trying to catch his breath.  
  
Jensen is panting next to him, his body is covered with their shared come, and he intentionally avoids Jared’s gaze. Jared can’t stop a bitter smile from forming on his lips, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to bother you with cuddling. Don’t want to see you fake that for me as well.”   
  
Jared jerks off the bed, grabbing his clothes and leaves.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen still lives across the hall.   
  
Jared’s legs still try to navigate his body towards Jensen’s door when Jared is not conscious enough, rubbing sleep from his eyes in the mornings or coming back worn out at nights.   
  
Jared wants to bang on Jensen’s door and demand him to _get the fuck out, out of this building, out of Jared’s life_. But he doesn’t know what he will do the minute he lays eyes on Jensen.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared calls his father when his brain gets supersaturated, a congestion of thoughts and ideas, of childhood memories.   
  
His brain is having trouble linking his father with Chief Ray, let alone _his_ Jensen and that detached bastard he is left with, but he needs the answers to, at least, keep his body and brain functioning, his heart be damned.   
  
“Hello, father. We need to talk.” He says brassily, not even trying for politeness. This is all the explanation the jerk deserves.   
  
“Do we?” Gerald’s voice is deliberately dry, but Jared could care less about his feelings.   
  
“My mother.” Jared’s knuckles are white on the black cell phone.   
  
“This isn’t a conversation to be had over the phone, Jared.” His voice sounds odd, less controlled and more strained, and Jared’s lips twitch with disdain.   
  
“Where?” Jared bites out.  
  
“The place we met the last time.”   
  
The line goes dead, and Jared gives his cell phone a look of exasperation, “Ask me again why I don’t like you.”  
  
  
  
  
  
The quiet coffee house on the corner four blocks from Jared’s apartment looks harmless and tiny for the revelations Jared intends to drag out of his father.   
  
Jared is nursing a big cup of black coffee in his hands when his father slips into his booth with a comment on his lips, “That stuff is going to kill you one day.”   
  
Jared mechanically looks down at his cup and then, up to his father, “Gee, thanks for your concern. Let’s be a happy family again.”   
  
His father winces but doesn’t comment.   
  
He signals the waitress for a tea and jumps to business. As usual.   
  
“Deaths are happening, Jared. This is not a virus. Someone is killing people. Someone who is medically trained to make it look like it’s a virus. And we know it has something to do with you. There’s a person close to you who knows about your power and chases the ones you save. Can you think of someone? Like that weird Chad guy you spend your time with?”   
  
Jared takes a long sip of coffee, ignoring the whole speech, and smiles mock-sweetly at his father, “Not that I don’t appreciate your constant ability to put your work interests before your family’s, but this is my call, father. And we’re gonna discuss what I want.”   
  
Jared’s smile slips away, and he fixes his father with a hard look.   
  
“You still don’t understand,” his father tightens his lips in disappointment, but Jared has 28 years of practice of not letting it get to him, “acting like a child when there are bigger things to worry about.”  
  
“What can you tell me about my mother?” Jared’s voice comes out unsteady, and he inwardly scowls at his flow.  
  
“What do you want to know?” His father takes deliberate sips of his tea while Jared watches his every movement with distaste.  
  
“Why did you leave her?”   
  
Gerald is composed and insensible as ever, every word is measured. “She was like you, not realizing that there are bigger things than me and her. She wanted to save people. I wanted to let them die as they are supposed to. We couldn’t stay together. When people with such opposite boons collide, the future of their abilities is up for grabs.” His gaze challenges Jared.   
  
“And what is wrong with that?” Jared asks, his voice thick with emotion but he doesn’t give a damn anymore.   
  
“This is not only a gift, Jared, this is a responsibility. This is something Jensen gets, but you do not.”   
  
“Yes, of course, the heartless bastard is your favorite,” Jared spits out the words. It hurts, hurts that Jensen takes his father’s side, that he chooses him over Jared. Jared’s next words are poisoned by broken heart and betrayal, “Maybe you should give it a thought. That close person to me you’ve mentioned. Doesn’t the profile fit Jensen?”  
  
Gerald gives him an unpleasant look, mouth twitching as if his tea turned distasteful, “Don’t be daft, Jared. He’d kill himself first than let something bad happen to you.”   
  
He throws the words at Jared, and a twenty on the table before forcing his way out of the booth.   
  
  
  
  
  
Two days after the meeting with his father, Jared passes Jensen’s apartment in the morning, noticing that there is no sound coming from inside. When he returns from work he strains his ears, stopping behind Jensen’s door, but he is welcomed by the same suspicious silence.   
  
The next day, it repeats.   
  
Jared’s heart flips, and he’s calling their landlord, ignoring the healthy advice of his brain to put the phone down and stop worrying about the guy who fucked him in every way possible.   
  
“Hello, sir. It’s Jared Padalecki from 304.” His landlord asks something insignificant, and Jared answers with a few yes’s put into the right places. “Excuse me, but did Jensen Ackles move out or something?”   
  
His landlord explains that Jensen has warned him of having to leave for a few days for a trip, but he’ll be coming back, then, he pauses and continues with a worry in his voice, “Why are you asking me this, Jared? Aren’t you his best friend?”   
  
Jared immediately gets irritated and ends the call, not caring about the rules of decorum.   
  
That night, the nightmare of a dark figure comes back, and Jared gasps in his sleep, fingers digging into the pillow, since Jensen is not there to whisper soothing words to his sleepy form.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared anticipated that he’ll breathe easier now that Jensen is nowhere in sight, but the opposite happens.   
  
When the feeling of Jensen’s constant presence disappears, Jared gets frustrated, blindly glancing back every time, looking for Jensen, his thoughts circling around one name while he can’t keep himself from worrying all the time.   
  
  
  
  
  
On Friday night, Jensen is still absent, and Jared dreads his first weekend alone, feeling stupid and small. Jared invites Megan to spend a weekend at his place.   
  
Megan doesn’t ask the questions. She feels something is wrong without him opening his mouth, and Jared has never been so grateful to her.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jared hasn’t laughed so hard in a long time. Every time he stops, Megan comes up with another silly comment, and Jared cracks up, laughing like crazy and bending in half.  
  
He wipes tears from his eyes, sighing heavily, but then she starts singing “Jared, he is your man; he will crush you with a hug. And look at his hair, he can easily be your _Jenny from the block_ ”, and Jared starts tickling her while laughing, “stop, you evil sister! Stop, it’s not even funny”.   
  
She raises her hands in surrender, and he lets her go, tousling her hair until she scolds at him.   
  
They breathe in silence, and Jared feels content, lips stretching in a grin. He doesn’t need to think about the things that shouldn’t concern him. He’s okay.   
  
“You know, it’s okay to miss him.” Megan says, squeezing his hand, and Jared freezes, fake smile slipping away, and he is suddenly so painstakingly aware of his surroundings, his heart beating like it’s gonna break his chest, and he’s so not okay with all of this.   
  
_If Jensen was dead, it’d be okay to miss him.  
  
_ The though vanishes as fast as it occurred, and Jared wants to throw up because just the thought of Jensen not being alive leaves him on the edge of a meltdown.   
  
And he doesn’t understand how you can love and hate someone in equal measure, with the same blind passion.  
  
He chokes on his feelings, throat dry and sore.   
  
“I’m gonna get a glass of water,” he explains to Megan in a cracked voice, not looking her way, awkwardly shuffling off the couch and into the kitchen.   
  
He stands there, breath coming in ragged bursts, and he just doesn’t know why, after he crushed and burned inside, the pain is still there.   
  
  
  
  
  
On Monday, Jared comes home late, exhausted from work, from guilt over the virus victims and constant unnecessary worrying over Jensen. He gives up and doesn’t bother to stop himself from going into Jensen’s apartment, tightly holding a key in his hand.   
  
Jensen’s apartment looks abandoned and cold, and Jared spends a moment leaning his forehead against the fridge, trying to cool down his head in attempt to make his headache vanish. He reads old post-it notes, upset with how their lives made a 180 degree turn and wondering why Jensen didn’t care to throw the notes away.   
  
Jared enters the bedroom, leaning against the wall and looking down at the bed, craving to crawl under the covers to inhale Jensen’s smell, desperate to get his hands on every little thing Jensen is.   
  
But he’s afraid he won’t manage to force himself to leave Jensen’s bed if he catches the smell of him on his sheets.   
  
  
  
  
  
When Jared steps into his own apartment, it’s already dark, and he plans to turn the lights on – hand reaching for the light switch – when a dark figure steps into his line of vision.   
  
Jared feels like he is stepping into his own nightmare and he blindly jerks his head, hoping to wake up.   
  
“You do like to make a guy wait for you, Jared.” Zach’s voice has not changed but there’s steel to his voice that wasn’t there before.   
  
“Not that you aren’t worth it,” Zach continues, stepping into spot by the window, lightened by the moon from outside, coming closer to brush his knuckles over Jared’s wrist.   
  
Jared freezes. It’s too much. This is worse than his nightmares. Compared to realizing who the killer is, an unknown figure seems safer.   
  
“Why, Zach? Why you?” Jared says quietly. He loses his ground, every thing in his life is cheating and false and he is barely holding himself together.   
  
“You are the one who brought me back to life. You’re my creator. You should know why this is happening.” Zach leans to brush his cheek against Jared’s, closing his eyes and inhaling Jared’s scent. “I missed you.”   
  
“Still,” Jared pulls away lightly, nails digging into the palms, “Please, enlighten me.”  
  
Zach smiles at him softly and continues, “We were made for each other. You stepped beyond life’s constraints to pull me up. We’re special.”   
  
Zach sighs, and Jared swallows thickly, closing his eyes for a brief moment in attempt to hide his pained expression.   
  
“But, we broke apart.” Zach continues sadly and then, rushes into another explanation. “I understand you need some time to gather your thoughts. When it comes to us, we can never be apart whatsoever.” Zach grins at him confidently and Jared’s heart clenches. “But then, you were forced to wake up and save some strangers’ lives like–, like we were some cheap imitation.”   
  
His voice gets angrier as he looks away, hatred in his eyes, “Those people decided they have a right to take my place, to lessen our love.”   
  
Jared shakes his head in disbelief, “Zach, Zach, what I do is a part of me. I can’t switch it off. Those people were not responsible for it. If you wanted to blame someone, it should have been me.” It earns him Zach’s frowned gaze.  
  
“You killed those people, do you understand?” Jared whispers desperately, balancing on the verge of panic.   
  
“They were dead anyway.” Zach shrugs his shoulders indifferently, “Why do you spend time caring about them is beyond my comprehension.”   
  
Jared can’t believe it. Jensen’s voice in his ears ‘ _You don’t know what happen to people who are back from the grave. They might have changed_ ,’ is mocking him.   
  
“You’ve changed,” Jared says, horror in his eyes, “Did I change you?”   
  
“I don’t know,” Zach grins at him happily, non-caringly, and steps to nuzzle under Jared’s chin, “You tell me.”  
  
Jared closes his eyes, he feels ill, a wave of nausea hits him, and he fights for control over his body.   
  
Zach’s hand tugs on the belt loops of Jared’s jeans, “Let’s go to bed, Jared. I missed you. Want you to fuck me.”  
  
“Now that’s a true romance! Frankenstein is in love with his creator. The audience stands up and applauds.”  
  
Jensen’s dry voice somehow makes Jared feel even sicker.   
  
“Of course! You!” Zach exclaims and let’s go of Jared to face Jensen.   
  
“I knew the bug in your apartment would be useful,” Jensen states thoughtfully, ignoring Zach, and Jared pushes down a hysterical laugh.   
  
“I’ve been putting off meeting you for too long. As I see it, you anticipated it as well. I’m flattered.” Zach claps his palm against his chest mockingly.   
  
“How about you shut up and die. Please, be so kind.” Jensen says boringly.   
  
“How rude,” Zach turns to Jared, smiling. “How about–,” He pulls out a gun and points at Jensen. “You go first.”  
  
Jared glances at Jensen and lets out a shaky sigh. Somehow, he feels beat, too tired to give a damn.   
  
Jensen grins at him, and this is stupid, but even if Jared doesn’t care about what will happen to him, he’d still do anything to not let this cheating freckled bastard get hurt.   
  
Zach watches their interaction with a troubled face.   
  
“I don’t understand what you’ve found in that guy, Jared. Even as a poor substitution of me, he still fails miserably.” The gun in Zach’s hand deliberately follows every shift of Jensen while he talks to Jared.  
  
“Can you put the gun down, Zach?” it sounds absurd even to Jared’s own ears, but it’s the last reasonable solution before they start to act even more stupid.   
  
Zach laughs in delight, “No, love. Why would I? ”   
  
“You won’t shoot me, right?” Jared stands between the gun and Jensen, and Jensen’s stern “Jared” has no effect on him. Jared is the one responsible for all this mess after all.   
  
“Don’t! What are you doing, love?” Zach is baffled, his hand starting to tremble slightly.   
  
Jared takes another step.   
  
“It happens that I can’t let you shoot him even I’d love to do it myself,” Jared says and throws his hand, knocking the gun out of Zach’s grasp. It flies to land on the sill of open window, and all three of them bolt forward, in unison, reaching for the gun.   
  
After, it is just the footage of well edited scenes in front of Jared’s eyes.   
  
One. Zach is the one to get the gun.   
  
Two. Jensen tries to swipe it away, pushing him forward.   
  
Three. Both of them fall out of the window.   
  
Jared comes to his senses when he sees Jensen hanging onto the window sill. Jared hangs out of the window and grabs for Jensen, his fingers wrapping tightly around Jensen’s wrist. Jensen’s hands begin to slip, and Jensen is not in his right mind as he doesn’t try to help himself.   
  
“Don’t do this, Jared.” Jensen sounds pissed. “Let me go! This is my day. This is how I’m supposed to die. This is how it should be in accordance with the natural order!” He tries to free his hands, and Jared clutches tighter, horrified and out of his mind.   
  
“Fuck you, Jensen!” Jared yells.   
  
“It’s against everything I believe in. If you save me, don’t think I will come back to you.” Jensen screams.  
  
Jared flinches and then, he grits his teeth, “Well, gee, let me think about it then.”   
  
Jensen lets his guard down, frowning, and easing down for a moment. Jared uses the chance to throw his other hand out and pull Jensen up.   
  
Jensen is alive. Jensen in standing on the floor in Jared’s living room, and Jared is the one shaking like a leaf.   
Jared looks at Jensen with unreadable stare, breathing heavily.   
  
Next moment, Jared punches Jensen in the jaw, hard.   
  
Jensen stumbles, raising an uncomprehending gaze to look at Jared, and Jared hits him one more time, splitting his lips.   
  
Jensen lands on his ass, blinking up at Jared, licking blood from his lips.   
  
Jared hovers over him, fuming and unrelenting, “Well, I suppose being hurt makes you feel better, asshole. You can commit suicide for all I care now.” Jared bends down to hiss the words to Jensen’s face. “See how your law of nature takes it.”   
  
Jared walks off, leaving Jensen to take care of the mess, exhausted and fed up with everything.   
  
Jared spends night at Chad’s place, tossing in bed, trying to forget the events of the last few days.   
  
He wonders if he was the reason for all those deaths, if he is the one to blame, if he shouldn’t have saved them. What if Zach was just a victim of Jared’s failed attempt of saving lives?   
  
Jared doesn’t understand what he should have been doing. He doesn’t know anymore.   
  
Maybe Jensen is right. Maybe Jared is just a fuck-up who messes everything up and is not worthy of a thing.   
  
But Jensen is still a heartless bastard who betrayed and broke him and Jared is still in love with him.   
  
He wishes he wasn’t. Because the only thing he still clings to in his life is the guy with green eyes, who makes Jared feel like he is the only thing Jared needs.   
  
  
  
  
  
When Jared comes back home, there is no sign of his nightmare, and Jensen is out of sight.   
  
Jared rolls into his bed, pulls the blanket over his head and falls asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

One week later, Jensen bangs on Jared’s door carrying a pizza and a six pack of beer in his hands, and Jared makes a the mistake of opening it, “I googled how long you should wait till your significant other stops getting mad at you after you screwed up. Statistically, this is considered as an average time.” Jared gives him a hard look. “Please don’t hit me.” Jensen adds quickly.  
  
“I hate you, just so we’re clear. Now leave.” Jared slams the door in Jensen’s face.  
  
Jensen opens the door with his own key, barely balancing the boxes in his hands, “Well, that is very unfortunate, because I feel quite the opposite of hatred.” He pads into the kitchen and Jared hears him rummaging in the fridge as if he still has a right.  
  
Indignantly so, nothing in Jared screams the opposite.  
  
Jensen comes to stand close to Jared.  
  
“We are out of milk.” He notifies Jared as if nothing happened, chewing on the cookie he apparently found in Jared’s stash.  
  
“ _I_  am out of milk, not  _we_.” Jared points out vehemently.  
  
“Don’t focus on pronouns, Jared.” Jensen says with displeasure.  
  
“I want to know what you’re doing here.” Jared says, insisting.  
  
“Fair enough.” Jensen finishes the cookie and licks his fingers. Jared tries not to watch. “I came to conclusion that us being apart is stupid and impractical.  
  
It’s not good for anyone. We both feel the same for each other, and it makes perfect sense to put the useless blame and fighting aside and start doing what we’re good at. Being together.”  
  
Jared looks at him, frustrated and hating himself for asking, “You are killing people I want to save. Are you planning to continue doing this?”  
  
“Yes,” Jensen looks puzzled. “But it’s just our jobs. Why do you keeping pressing this issue?”  
  
“Are you out of your mind?” Jared asks, disbelieving, but Jensen just shrugs and evidently waits for Jared’s positive answer.  
  
“Just get out!” Jared screams, jumping to open the door wide, looking pointedly at Jensen, eyes flaring.  
  
Jensen blinks at him, puzzled, and then, he goes into the kitchen and returns with a box of chocolate chip cookies.  
  
“So, tell me how it works?” He shoves his hand down into the box, looking at Jared expectedly as if he is preparing for a big revelation.  
  
“What?” Jared asks tiredly. He thinks he might cry.  
  
“I don’t have any experience with falling in love with someone, so I need your knowledge on that matter. What should I do to–,” he searches for the right word before he settles, “–to woo you back?”  
  
“What?” Jared looks at him incredulously.  
  
Jensen is not joking, Jared understands that, but still, he feels obligated to give explanation to this asshole, “You don’t get to do that. You can’t act that shitty to someone and then, expect him to love you back.”  
  
“Why not? People make mistakes all the time. It’s not like I start World War II or anything.” Jensen frowns, biting into the cookie, displeased with Jared not willing to cooperate.  
  
Jared stares at him with resentment, “No, you just can’t do that. Let me bury your hopes right away. I’m not forgiving you. I don’t trust you. Knock that into that thick skull of yours.”  
  
“So, that means you’re not gonna help me then.” At Jared’s glare he continues, “Well, then I have to warn you, I don’t know the rules of wooing, so expect some major fuck-ups.” Jensen gives him a blank stare as if his warning of washing his hands off should be accepted.  
  
Jared shakes his head in disbelief and spits, “Fuck you, Jensen.”  
  
“I’ll be working toward that direction, thank you,” Jensen takes the box away with him, leaving Jared with an improper impression like Jared is the one acting immature here.  
  
  
  
  
  
The next morning starts suspiciously silent, and Jared eyes Jensen’s door when he leaves for work.  
  
At the traffic light, Jared hums to the music from the stereo when he catches the sight of the street’s huge banner. Black ink on the white background insists:  _Jared, please come back to me. J._  
  
Jared’s smile slips from his lips, and he has a horrible, horrible thought that his block is not the only one decorated with such a huge, ostentatious banner.  
  
Jared catches the sight of five more banners – sliding down lower in his seat as if people will find out he is a reason for this offence – before he finds salvation in the morgue.  
  
Chad welcomes him squeaking. Of course, he is.  
  
“Oh, my God, this is amazing. This is the most romantic gesture I’ve ever seen anyone perform, including my cousin stealing the fluffy cuffs for his fiancé,” Chad gives him a squeeze which Jared awkwardly accepts. “I’m so happy for you. He’s such an achiever. Did you gift him with morning sex in appreciation?” Chad grins too enthusiastically for Jared’s liking.  
  
“No,” Jared says grudgingly, freeing himself from Chad’s arms.  
  
“No? What does that mean,  _no_?” Chad looks as if Jared just told him that Santa isn’t real. “Did you have a fight or something? Is this his way of caving and crawling back to you? This is a perfect, I approve. Act like you are an abused partner and then, demand diamonds before generously forgiving him after.”  
  
Jared says nothing.  
  
“Oh, my God,” Chad has his hand against his mouth in shock, eyes watering, “Did he? Did he cheat on you? The bastard!”  
  
Jared looks at him, paralyzed, wanting to be pulled out of this conversation immediately, “No! Stop Harlequin’ing our relationship. Are you sure  _you_  are not gay?”  
  
“You’re not gonna corrupt this perfect romance for me, Jared. Even if he’s an emotionless robot most of time, when he’s with you, he’s–,” Chad fishes for right words, hand waving.  
  
“He’s less of an asshole than usual?” Jared supplies and Chad glares at him.  
  
“He has feelings, okay?” Chad cuts him short.  
  
  
  
  
  
On the way home, the banners keep mocking Jared, the radio talks about  _some girl or guy named J who is obviously in love with Jared, isn’t it perfect, and isn’t Jared such a lucky guy? Romance is not dead and yada, yada, yada_.  
  
Like he hadn’t got enough of that romantic crap during his day.  
  
Megan calls in the middle of the day to scream into his ear, “I’m gonna be a bridesmaid in your wedding,” and Jared pointedly hangs up on her.  
  
Jared’s old pal that he hasn’t seen for a long time suddenly decided to drop a call wondering how he is, and then, prods him with “have you seen those banners, Jared? How many Jared’s do you know live in Boston?”  
  
Jared politely says  _bye_ , and not, you know,  _screw you_.  
  
After, when the dreadful thought of receiving a call from his father pops up in Jared’s head, he switches his phone off.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared slams open Jensen’s door, feeling violent and revengeful.  
  
Jensen looks fresh from the shower – naked toes and damp hair, appearing somewhat vulnerable, and looking like Jared's Jensen– and for a moment Jared forgets why he should be pissed in the first place, but it passes, serving to spike his blood with more rage.  
  
“You need to stop this shit, take the damn banners off the streets!” Jared yells.  
  
“This is indisputable,” Jensen gives him a hard stubborn stare, jaw set.  
  
“You don’t even understand what you’re doing, okay? You don’t get it!” Jared restrains himself from hitting Jensen, fists curling at his sides.  
  
“I do.” Jensen frowns, eyebrows drawn together, “I–,  
  
I–” he stutters, picking the right words.  
  
“What?” Jared bites out, “Love me?” This time, he uses  _the words_  to hurt Jensen, “What do you even know about it? You’ve never loved anyone but yourself.”  
  
Jensen flinches. It works.  
  
“You’re wrong. Not with you,” Jensen says hollowly, disbelief in his eyes.  
  
And it touches Jared more than it should.  
  
“Get the fuck out of my life, Jensen!” Jared hisses, grabbing Jensen by his shirt’s lapels and slamming him against the nearest wall for a good measure.  
  
“And go where?” Jensen asks quietly, looking lost and broken, but Jared is not done with hurting him.  
  
His face is close to Jensen’s, chests heaving against each other, and he pays no attention to their frantic heart beats. Jared’s eyes bore into Jensen until Jensen’s eyelashes flutter down.  
  
Jared looks at Jensen’s closed eyes with grim satisfaction and hisses into  
  
Jensen’s ear, “Watch me not give a flying fuck about this.”  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared comes home and feels sick. He left all the venom in Jensen’s apartment, but it doesn’t get easier to breathe. He bites his lip to keep from crying, feeling fragile and  _just done_.  
  
Jared looks around helplessly, eyes filled with tears, searching for something he can’t put a name to and for someone he shouldn’t. Jared lets out a shuttering breath and decides to take a walk in the park to breathe out his pain.  
  
The park is all but empty. There is only one couple cuddling on a bench, hidden in the darkness as the street light ignores the part of the bench they occupy, and it tugs at Jared’s heart.  
  
Jared averts his gaze from them and decides to walk deeper into the park, under the shadows where the bushes can hide him from everyone, darkness an additional cover.  
  
Jared turns down a narrow path where no one can see him.  
  
He takes a few steps when a male voice “don’t move” startles him. Jared freezes when a blunt object is pressed into his spine.  
  
“Give me your money,” shaking voice says.  
  
“Shit,” Jared mouths, his mind calculating his chances of turning and knocking the gun out of the guy’s hands, eyes trying to adjust to the darkness while he bides time.  
  
“Are you sure it’s a gun in your hand and not a candy bar,” Jared draws the words, aiming for a friendly voice and barely managing to keep the fear out of his voice while his mind is on the edge of panic.  
  
“Shut up! Give me your money!” The guy spits out, and the gun barrel – it is obviously a gun – is pressed deeper into his back. Jared swallows thickly.  
  
“Jared!” There’s a familiar voice, and the sounds of running steps approaching them. The voice belongs to Jensen.  
  
Jared’s heart stops for a brief moment, and then, it starts beating like crazy.  
  
Jared fights not to lose the ground under his feet, pushing down the rising bile in his throat, feeling cold chills running down his spine.  
  
 _NO. NO. NO. Jensen! He will turn around the corner and then– It’s too dark for Jensen to see properly._  
  
“Jensen, no!” Jared screams desperately.  _Jensen needs to stay away!_  
  
“This is a trap!” The voice shrieks at the same time into Jared’s ear, gun barrel twitching.  
  
“Jared,” it’s Jensen.  
  
 _He wasn’t supposed to be that close._  
  
Jared spins around blindly, heart in his throat.  
  
The gun fires, and it lights up the darkness for a brief moment.  
  
Like a snapshot, Jared catches the face of an unknown guy who is running away and abruptly, Jared falls down–  
  
Because Jensen does it first.  
  
Jared grabs Jensen into his arms, his lips trembling.  
  
“That was stupid. This is not happening,” They both lie on the cold ground, and Jared can’t seem to comprehend which one of them is shaking more. “This is not happening.”  
  
“I’m calling 911,” he hears himself saying, hand fumbling for the cell phone in his jacket pocket.  
  
Jared watches Jensen’s green eyes, sheer fear tightening his chest.  
  
“Jensen,” he calls desperately, not knowing what he’s asking, “Jensen.”  
  
Jensen blinks up at him. “Does it count–,” Jensen barely manages to get out the words, fighting for breath with each one, and Jared holds his breath to catch them, “–count that I love you more than myself?”  
  
Something violent snaps inside Jared.  
  
“This is not happening, Jensen, okay?” Jared insists angrily, palm pressed tightly against Jensen’s chest to stop  _this thing_ , avoiding thoughts of why his hand immediately gets wet.  
  
Jensen doesn’t answer, his gaze frozen, and Jared jerks his head in denial. But nothing changes.  
  
“Jensen,” Jared prods, voice hoarse.  
  
Jared stares at Jensen for a minute, hands digging into Jensen’s flesh while it feels like his breath gradually leaves every cell of his body, eyes watering.  
  
“Call for me!” He remembers, a drop of hope adding to the massive amount of despair. “Just call for me! Like everyone does. Call for me, you insensitive asshole.”  
  
Jensen’s lifeless eyes remain the same. And it’s  _just not fair. This should not have happened_.  
  
Jared’s throat is tight, an uncontrollable sob finds its way to the surface, and Jared pushes down any other cries.  
  
“I hate you,” Jared screams. “Can’t you just do this little thing for me?! Call for me!”  
  
He takes another chance to threaten Jensen because  _this bastard is not leaving him_.  
  
Jared’s fingers recall dialing 911, and his mouth forces out the address through the gritted teeth, but Jared’s eyes are fixed on Jensen.  
  
His cell phone slips down from his fingers to the ground, and Jared pays it no attention as it has lost its value.  
  
Jensen is silent, and Jared keeps using his anger as a shield.  
  
“They’ll be here soon.” He informs Jensen sternly, not caring to point out who they are, “I advise you to open your stupid mouth and say ‘ _help me_ ’. Everyone does. Why can’t you?”  
  
Jensen is stubborn and determined, and Jared can’t lose him because of that.  
  
Jared presses his palm harder against Jensen’s heart; it’s not beating. It’s wet and sticky, and this is when Jared realizes they are not going to be okay. “It’s not beating, Jensen. Did I finally break it?” He whispers, tears streaming down his cheeks.  
  
“Why. Can’t. You. Wake up?” He repeats slowly in a broken voice, eyes glassy.  
  
When Jared’s lips touch Jensen’s, they find warmth, and Jared hopes that it means something.  
  
Jared’s body sags on the ground, tightening his embrace around Jensen in a senseless hope to warm him.  
  
Jared passes out.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared wakes up to the voices and sounds, everything is unfamiliar and alien. Jared screams when he realizes that Jensen is not in his arms.  
  
  
  
  
  
It’s still dark when Jared opens his eyes in the hospital, white walls and blinding light, numbness holding his body.  
  
Megan stands by his bed, her eyes red.  
  
Jared looks at her, focusing his gaze and licking his cracked lips, “Where is Jensen?”  
  
“Jared–,” Megan’s voice sounds strange, scraping across his ears. She gives him a look of sorrow, and he feels disgusted.  
  
“Where is Jensen?” He insists, snapping his gaze away, not willing to look at her, fingers tightening the covers into the fists.  
  
“Jared–,” she whispers his name like it should fix things, “Jensen is gone.”  
  
Jared’s brain doesn’t find a clue behind this information.  
  
 _What the hell does it mean? Gone? What does it mean? Gone where?_  
  
What a stupid meaningless word, Jensen won’t like this one.  
  
Jared jerks his head violently to level her with a look, eyes flaring with anger.  
  
“Megan, where is he? Can you tell me where the stupid guy who could not stay in his stupid apartment and followed me is?”  
  
She shakes her head, lips trembling.  
  
Jared’s throat is sore, but he finds strength to croak, “Where is the bastard?”  
  
“Jensen is dead. Jared, I’m sorry–,” She starts crying.  
  
“Get out!” He hisses.  
  
Jared bites his lips and determinedly turns to the other side to fix his gaze on the wall. She leaves and he stays mute until they give him a needle to put him to sleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared wakes up in his own bed. He jerks up and realization makes his head spin. This is it. This is the bed in his apartment. He’s back. He doesn’t know how but the day was re-written; he has been given a chance to fix this. To save Jensen.  
  
Jared’s hand searches for his cell phone to confirm the date, and he breathes out slowly as if not to scare it away, checking the numbers on the screen.  
  
He’s back. He’s back to yesterday, the day that will never happen again. He needs to find Jensen.  
  
Jared throws off the covers and slips on some clothes.  
  
He stumbles across the hall, trying to move faster as everything seems to go in slow motion. Jared’s legs feel weak and aren’t carrying him fast enough to Jensen’s apartment.  
  
Jared doesn’t bother with knocking. He uses his key to swing open the door and calls out to Jensen, searching through the apartment.  
  
He stands in the middle of apartment, feeling dizzy and sick, trying to get things under control.  
  
Jared’s brain urges him to use his cell phone, and he pulls it out with shaking fingers. Jared’s fingers feel numb dialing Jensen’s number, and Jared stares at it dumbly.  
  
He calls and calls, but no one answers. Jared’s mind won’t accept that, dialing again and again, fingers twitching. Jared wants to break stupid answering machine.  
  
He saved Jensen, he only needs to find him and protect him from anything that might threaten him. Jared needs to forgive him and keep him safe for the rest of their lives.  
  
This is Jared’s plan. It all seems so simple.  
  
Jensen only needs to be found.  
  
Jared leaves four messages.  
  
The first one is whirl of emotions, fear and hope, and softness because he loves Jensen so much, and he doesn’t want to explain it to a soulless answering machine, “Jensen, it’s Jared. Where are you? I’m waiting in your apartment. Come back and I’ll explain everything to you. We are okay. I just need you to be here. Please? I’m waiting.”  
  
The second one is ten minutes later when Jared realizes that he needs to give more of an explanation, because Jensen doesn’t know how things changed, “I really, really need you here. Jensen, you need to come  _right now_. You have to.”  
  
The third one is half of hour later when Jared drives himself insane – nervously pacing through the rooms – he needs to convince Jensen how important this is, “You died today. You died, and I won’t bare it. I won’t accept it. This is new day, a new day where you end up alive and safe, and with me. Just call me. Please!”  
  
Another half of hour passes and Jared is beyond out of his mind with worry, biting his nails and even calling his father to leave a message on another answering machine, “This is Jared. Whatever you do, make sure Jensen stays alive. Do everything to keep him alive. I’m begging you.”  
  
Then, Jared leaves another message to Jensen, voice wavering, “I love you, you know?! I love you so damn much. Please, just come see me.”  
  
Jared calls Chad to ask him if he’s heard of Jensen, Chad frowns and disaffirms, asking Jared if he plans to show up. Jared says “no” and ends the call.  
Jared leaves Jensen a post-it note on the fridge, “Went looking for you. Just let me know where you are. I’ll be back soon. Wait for me.”  
  
Jared has a whole day before the darkness falls down and he intends to use every moment.  
  
Jared goes to Jensen’s favorite grocery store first, planning to check every place they ever visited.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared comes home three hours later, worn out and anxious, figuring out where to look for Jensen in the next hours in his head. As he approaches their block, his heart skips a beat.  
  
Something is wrong, there are police cars and an ambulance, and policemen ask the crowd to stay back, making a space in front of their house.  
  
Jared can’t find his breath.  
  
He launches forward, breaking free from one policeman, and running up the stairs, ignoring protests.  
  
There is a guy coming out of Jensen’s apartment with a yellow streamer that says, "Police line. Do not cross.” Jared reads it dumbly and pushes his way inside.  
  
“Hey!” Someone is holding him and there are too many people, and  _what are they all doing in Jensen’s apartment?_  Jared wants tell them to get the fuck out before Jensen comes.  
  
“What happened?” his mouth lets out.  
  
“Did you know Mr. Ackles?” A guy in a blue uniform asks. Jared can’t see his face, everything is blurred, and his gaze is fixed at the guy’s shoulder, feeling edgy of him using the past tense.  
  
“This is my friend’s place. This is my Jensen’s place. What are you doing here?” Words said in a rushed, irritating voice.  
  
“Are you friend of Mr. Ackles?” The guy asks.  
  
Jared looks around the apartment, eyes searching, voice slow and distracted when he continues, nodding in affirmation, “I’m a friend of my Jensen, yes. He’ll be back soon.”  
  
“I’m sorry, sir.”  
  
“He’ll be back soon,” Jared repeats stubbornly and shifts his gaze back at the man.  
  
The blue uniform moves, voice turning sympathetic, and Jared tries to fix his gaze in attempt to read his name tag, “There was a mugger, breaking into the apartment. He was on drugs and looking for money.” There’s a shrieking voice in Jared’s head, ‘ _give me the money_ ,’ and Jared shakes his head in denial, chasing the image away. “We’ve found post-it note ‘ _I’m back_ ’ pinned to the front door. Mr. Ackles was obviously waiting for someone.”  
  
“He was waiting for me.” Jared explains, nodding. “I’m supposed to save him.”  
  
“I’m sorry, sir.” There’s a pause and blue uniform shifts.  
  
“Sir, do you need help?”  
  
Jared stares, but he sees nothing through the blur, words are muffled sounds to his ears.  
  
“Will you be okay?” And Jared understands this one.  
  
Jared thinks for a moment, lips curling with sorrow.  
  
“No.” Jared answers sincerely. “When will you leave?”  
  
“Uh, we need to do some work. Can you give us some time here?” Jared doesn’t really understand a word, but he raises his eyes and stares at blue uniform.  
  
“I’m sorry.” The guy repeats.  
  
Jared blinks at him and averts his gaze to look at the post-it notes onto the fridge, “I need some things from here.”  
  
“I apologize, sir, but this is evidence.” The voice strives to be comforting. Jared finds it odd.  
  
Jared shifts his weight from one leg to another, gaze frowning, “I’m sorry, does it mean Jensen is not coming back?”  
  
“I’m really sorry, sir.” Guy repeats.  _What is he sorry for?_  But Jared politely nods and moves out.  
  
“What happened to the guy? The mugger?” Jared clarifies, standing in the doorway and glancing back. He doesn’t know why he asks, he doesn’t really care.  
  
“We caught him,” the guy informs him.  
  
“Oh, okay. Okay.” Jared leaves.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared comes home and stares at the big window, wondering how it will feel stepping out of it.  
  
  
  
  
  
In the middle of the night, Jared sneaks into Jensen’s apartment, pulling away the yellow line and avoiding looking at the mess the police left behind.  
  
Jared silently collects all the post-it notes from the fridge that were written by Jensen, because he doesn’t want anyone touching them.  
  
He comes back into his own place, pulls out his backpack and throws some clothes in, holding Jensen’s post-it notes to his chest.  
  
He leaves before sunrise.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared is hitchhiking, without any destination, keen on being no one. He didn’t take his car, took as little evidence of his life as possible.  
  
But he keeps all the post-it notes in his wallet because  _Jensen left them for Jared_.  
  
When he is riding shotgun, wind ruffling his hair and quiet song from the stereo sharing some story, Jared falls into a familiar numbness and pretends he is someone who doesn’t want to die.  
  
He has a new cell phone number, but he doesn’t know when he’ll manage at least to call Megan, too frightened to recall all that hurt he left behind.  
  
Jared keeps running away, afraid that if he stops, he’d have to face his loss and then, Jensen would be really gone.  
  
  
  
  
  
One time, Jared is picked up by a girl with bright red-dyed hair in a big dusty truck.  
  
They spend about eight hours on the road, hot air and broken AC.  
  
She talks, and he listens.  
  
She is heading to LA to set up a band and become next Hayley Williams, and when she sings in her raspy voice along with Joni Mitchell, Jared hopes for her dreams to come true.  
  
When Jared says goodbye to her, wishing her luck – standing on the roadside, his hand on the door handle of her car – she sighs before commenting, “Hey buddy, you should let it go. Whatever is haunting you, you should let it go.”  
  
Jared looks at her and says nothing.  
  
“It’s slowly killing you,” she adds sympathetically.  
  
“I don’t mind,” he says and closes the door carefully.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared is in the store buying some junk food, and out of nowhere, his cell phone rings, a call from the blocked number.  
  
It’s been three weeks since Jared’s gotten a call from someone as he doesn’t share his number with anyone, and he doesn’t know why he picks it up, eyeing his phone warily, his heart starting to pound in his ears because he starts to feel  _something_.  
  
An unknown voice with a southern accent drawls, “Boy, it took so long to find you. You sure know how to play hide and seek.”  
  
“Who is this?” Jared asks suspiciously with a mix of disturbance and irritation.  
Voice sounds grumpy and displeased, “Just come home, kid. He’s waiting for you and driving us all insane.”  
  
“Who is this?” Jared presses and his voice turns different, weak and trembling, giving him away.  _Why would someone play such a cruel joke on him?_  
  
“Come home, Jared. Okay?” The voice is softer now, and Jared lets out a shaky breath and intends to ask million questions, but there’s a  _click_  before the line goes dead.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jared stands in front of his own apartment, backpack in his hand, frozen on the spot, intently staring at post-it note on his front door. He pulls it off with trembling fingers.  
  
“ _If you could pick just one day you’d have to relive over and over, which one it’d be? I’d pick the one with you_.”  
  
And then.  
  
“ _I’m sorry_.”  
  
Jared sags to the floor and closes his eyes, gasping for air, fingers clutching the note desperately.  
  
There are hands on his body, picking him up. The scent and hands are familiar, but who knows what he’ll see when he opens his eyes?!  
  
He is dragged into his own apartment, clinging to the person and sobbing into his shirt, because he can’t take the weight of the pain and guilt anymore.  
  
Jared is pushed onto the bed, and he is forced to open his eyes because Jensen says, “Jared, look at me. It’s me.”  
  
Jared crushes Jensen in his arms; his whole body pushing into Jensen’s to get attached to every part of him and says nothing.


	7. Chapter 7

> Protocol #5072-10. Top Secret.
> 
> On May 04, 2011, due to an unforeseeable situation, the “J. T. Padalecki” case is closed.
> 
> Special Agent J. Ackles’ resignation is accepted under circumstances specifically authorized by ANPC.
> 
> Further information is classified under a higher level, authorized personnel only.
> 
> _This notice also applies to "restricted data," which is classified as TOP SECRET, SECRET, or CONFIDENTIAL._
> 
> _AF-593 contains detailed instructions regarding the destruction of this classified material in the event of an emergency._   
> 

  
  
  
  


 

> Protocol #5074-10. Top Secret.
> 
> On May 04, 2011, the “Megan Padalecki” case is opened.
> 
> Chief Ray is assigned as the main commander to supervise this operation.
> 
> Further information is classified under a higher level, authorized personnel only.
> 
> _Any duplication or distribution of the information contained herein is strictly prohibited._   
> 

  
  
  
Jensen died.  
  
He doesn’t remember it, though.  
  
Megan told him after that he scared shit out of her when he opened his eyes to whisper ‘ _help me_ ’ in the coldness of the morgue.  
  
For him, it was a day when he was dragged out of bed to set an ambush for his killer instead of fixing things with Jared. It was an elaborate set up for catching a killer and the ones who were standing behind him to sabotage their organization.  
  
But the killer was just a drug addict desperate for money. What a shitty coincidence.  
  
And after, Jared was gone.  
  
Jensen was no longer a possessor of power, but he had the power to threaten the whole agency in case something bad happens to the guy who has lost agency’s interest the moment his power was handed to his sister.  
  
Tough shit. Jensen was not in his right mind, and he was dangerous to be left alive and to be killed. It was a lose-lose situation.  
  
Chief Ray and Christian made sure he wasn’t going to plant a bomb in the agency and wisely brought Jared back on a tight schedule.  
  
Jensen appreciates it. Doesn’t mean that he has to notify them of his gratitude. After all, the agency keeps ticking the safe way now.  
  
Jensen has Jared, and he is willing to bend and develop a compromising nature, as long as it concerns Jared.  
  
Sometimes, Jensen catches shadows flickering across Jared’s face. It’s not a good look on him. It’s something Jensen feels an urge to get rid of immediately, so he kisses Jared’s cheek; Jared smiles at him like Jensen is the best thing in the world, and the gloomy past hides away.  
  
The confusing thing is that Jensen never needed anyone in his life. Now that he has Jared, he doesn’t know how to  _not_  need him, trying to get his hands on everything that Jared is.  
  
In the beginning, after Jared got back, they had a talk because Jared demanded, tangled in mess of emotions that were not connected, and Jensen needed to decode them and write a script where Jared understands each element. Jensen explained and deconstructed himself, using way too many strings of words for his liking, but it was for Jared.  
  
  
  
  
  
 _“I checked every parent directory, but, obviously, one had a slight error I missed, so it failed. I take full responsibility for my actions.” Jensen opens up as they sit in kitchen chairs opposite each other.  
  
Jared gives him a long look before he sighs, his hand squeezing Jensen’s knee in reassurance, “You have to be more specific. I know it’s hard. But please, this is the moment when you have to.”  
  
Jensen looks puzzled for a moment before he finds the correct words, “It means ‘forgive me’.”  
  
A soft smile quirks at the corners of Jared’s mouth, and he leans closer to look directly in Jensen’s eyes.  
  
“What do you want, Jensen?” Jared asks, his thumb caressing Jensen’s cheekbone.  
  
“You are not asking about a new iPod,” Jensen grins lopsided, a bit put out and trying to hide it.  
  
“No,” Jared shakes his head; his gaze turns serious as he straightens up, hand sliding off Jensen.  
  
Jensen shifts in his seat, and then, he says the words that are embedded forever in his head the way they are, because he can’t translate them into a ‘normal’ language, “You. Everything that involves you.”  
  
“Okay. That’ll do.” Jared nods and launches forward, kissing him fiercely, Jensen’s hands fisting in his shirt.  
  
Jensen vaguely remembers them breaking one of the chairs along with the kitchen table, but it was so, so difficult to pay attention to details that weren’t Jared._  
  
  
  
  
  
Jensen misses his job. The irony that he was killing the people that he is now one of is not lost on him.  
  
He feels as if he bargained his and Jared’s abilities for his life, but it’s not a thing he can find an answer for.  
  
Once Jensen asked Jared if he missed his gift of saving people, but Jared shrugged it off, smiled brightly and kissed Jensen in response.  
  
Now, though, Jensen has to watch Jared worrying himself over Megan, of the possibilities putting her in danger. Implausibly so, Gerald is the one to take care of her now. It’s complicated, but Megan sees the both sides and chooses her own way, determined to keep Jared out of it.  
  
Jensen tries not to look relieved when Jared tells him that. After all, Jared’s side is the only one Jensen cares about. And Jensen still got a few aces in his sleeve to make sure Megan’s out of danger. He just doesn’t like frowned lines crossing Jared’s forehead.  
  
  
  
  
  
For a few weeks after they get back together, Jensen feels jittery without his job until he sets his eyes on a new target – focusing on programming, making it more than just a hobby, finding new ways to improve, a head full of scripts and algorithms.  
  
It takes him a few days, but he spends two nights in a row with his laptop, coding. Jared keeps him going by bringing him food and drinks. After, Jared drags Jensen to bed, and fucks into him maddeningly slow until he is a sweaty mess demanding to be fucked hard.  
  
Needless to say, Jared remains the main priority and object for exploring.  
  
Sometimes, Jensen puts his hand on Jared’s chest, intently watching Jared’s every breath in and out, making mental notes.  
  
Sometimes, it’s about the way Jared moves, like his weird attempts at dancing; or the way he talks, his mouth moving fast; or the way he laughs, head thrown back and arms flailing.  
  
And sometimes, it’s about Jensen trying to drag that amazing gasping sounds out of Jared, voice quivering when he says, “Jensen”, body so responsive against Jensen’s. Jensen uses every chance. He likes the way it changes everything; he likes the way his body reacts to the sight or voice of Jared.  
  
Jared may be in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, legs spread apart, and rambling. Jensen’s eyes darken, and he just drops to his knees and starts tugging at Jared’s belt buckle, cursing clothes, while Jared makes hitching noises and frantically helps Jensen tug down his jeans.  
  
Jensen loves to be inside Jared, feeling the heat and getting so incredibly intimate, wave of emotions more expressive than the words shaking his mind. He loves watching Jared trusting his own body and mind to Jensen when they’re wrapped up inside the fever, the only sounds are their moans and whispers, with Jensen snapping his hips and trying to get even deeper.  
  
With Jared, Jensen gets a long list of the places he had sex, public places included. They are forever banned from a few places, their favorite book shop included, and Chad has a few memorable moments he wants to get rid of with brain bleach.  
  
  
  
  
  
One day, Jensen wants to start a stupid fight, because it's too much to handle and too hard to keep up. And he just can’t explain his outrage.  
  
Jensen doesn’t remember the starting point, but he finds himself in the middle of street, breathing hard, Jared’s eyes on him.  _Always on him_.  
  
He jerks away from Jared and shouts, listening to himself saying, “I want you to get mad at me.”  
  
Jared gives him a hurt expression, pain in his eyes – just like before – and Jensen can’t take it, suddenly not having a room to breathe. “Leave me,” he hisses and doesn’t wait for Jared to follow his advice, being the first to walk away.  
  
He walks the streets the whole night, emptiness in his head, enjoying his loneliness, like he did before. The night ends and with the sunrise, feelings of worry creep in, baring his emotions, raw at edges, clearing his head and frightening him.  
  
Jensen nearly runs the whole way home, messed up and scared shitless that Jared has listened and left him.  
  
He finds post-it note pinned to the front door, “I get scared, too.”  
  
Jensen jerks open the door and finds Jared behind it. They keep looking at each other, both on the same page and stuck deep.  
  
That night Jared kisses Jensen and says, “My script contains different codes, but each one has to do something with you.”  
  
  
  
  
  
Sometimes, when Jared looks at Jensen, Jensen’s throat tightens, and he can’t put it into words or codes, can’t give explanation to every element he feels inside. It’s just there, continuously growing, and Jensen will burn out without it.

  
  
The End


End file.
